No Missed Opportunities

That feels better!

2012-02-03T12:55:00.000-05:00

I must be honest and tell you that I did not intend to take a 5 month break from the ol' blog, it kind of just happened that way.

At first it was merely a time thing. In August, my son played "Charlie" in a community production of Willy Wonka. During that time, and the three months before, I lived and breathed Willy Wonka. I was running lines, singing songs, driving my little star to and from practices, and being an equal mixture of exceedingly proud of him and being exceedingly terrified for him. That last one will take a lot out of you.

I was busy being mother/manager and no matter how much I wanted to write, when I came home at night, my brain was fried and I just couldn't bring myself to write like I wanted to. My best writing at the time were extensive "to do" lists for the following day that I physically had to make just to be able to shut my brain off long enough to sleep.

And if I am going to be very honest, something else happened about that time: I got incredibly frustrated with the blogging community. It seemed that blogging had changed from writing because I love to write to blogging as a contest to see how popular I could get or how many sponsors I could acquire or how many followers I had collected on my side bar. I hated that. I did not want to become that person.

Now, please don't get me wrong. If you are a blogger and you have 15 bazillion followers and the people at Pepsi have purchased you a private jet with your name emblazned on the side to take you to all of your bloggy speaking arrangements so that you can tell other people how blogging has changed your life, that is AMAZING and I admire you for your fabulous writing and content as well as your superior marketing prowess. There is nothing wrong with that.

What felt wrong to me was that I would get online and visit my favorite blogs and instead of coming away inspired or happy or whatever good emotion I had felt before, I instead leave, thinking to myself, "what in the WORLD am I doing wrong!? All of these people are getting 50 billion page views a day and making enough money to support themselves just by writing! I am CLEARLY doing something wrong."

I must suck as a writer.
I SUCK as a writer.
I SUCK.

And so on.
That is my long winded blogging boohoo story. I made the mistake of comparing my writing to others. The mistake of comparing my blog to other blogs. I lost interest playing that game. Thankfully, I had Willy Wonka as an excuse to distance myself for a while. One month became two, which became five. I took that time to think about what I really wanted. I also realized that blogging is not a competition. Not for me, anyway. Not unless I choose to compare myself to others. I write because I love to write. I write because my favorite teacher once made this comment on a story I'd written :

Katie, this story was a joy to read! I can tell you love to write. Keep it up!

I think I will.

Little Miss Lazy Pants decides to blog.

2011-09-26T14:00:00.000-04:00

*Deep Breath*

So, you know how when you're a blogger and you blog regularly and you have semi-consistant dialog back and forth with fabulous people via comments and such and then you stop blogging and then can't find the energy or motivation to restart but you really miss the connections that blogging brings you so you get all frustrated with yourself for being too lazy to even move your fingers across a keyboard and you eat ~~a gallon~~ a pint of ice cream and then your stomach aches and your conscience doesn't feel all that well either and you have no one to blame but yourself?

*whew*

You do?

Yep. That's pretty much my story too.

I am TOTALLY out of blogging shape.
My next post will be better.
Baby steps.

The Dad Game

2011-06-25T18:15:00.004-04:00

As some of you know, I have never met my real "father".
While this is an increasingly sad situation for me as I get older and watch my own son grow, I am not all-together broken up about it.

There are some perks to not knowing the true identity of your biological father. One of the best is that you get to play The Dad Game.

I've played The Dad Game for as long as I can remember.
Whenever I see a man who seems like the kind of person that I would want to have as a dad, I add him to my ever growing list. See the list here: Daddy? or here: Awkward!
88% of the time, these people are celebrities or even American Presidents. Bill Clinton, for example. More often though, they are celebrities playing someone else. On these occasions, the character possesses some positive dad-like quality that makes them good Dad Game candidates.

I point these people out so often that my husband [bless him] has started finding them for me.

For example, we were watching Tombstone recently when he turned to me and said,

"Katie, I'm pretty sure that both Virgil Earp and Sam Elliot could be your father."

See? Both character and Actor are total dad material.
He was right.

How did I never see that before? It's all so obvious.

Exhibit A:

Now listen here lil' lady. You get that filthy room of yours cleaned before I return from restoring the law to this wild west town using only my deep commanding voice and unwavering fairness, ya hear?

Any dad of mine would totally say that!

Exhibit B:

Incredible mustache

Incredible need to wax.

Resemblance. BAM!

Who needs a DNA test when the pictures speak for themselves?

How could Sam Elliot/ Virgil Earp NOT be my dad?

My husband is like a detective, I swear.

Also, Stanley Tucci.

This one.

Not this one.

Dad game = fun.

People of Facebook Part 1

2011-06-17T20:46:00.001-04:00

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook.
I love that it's such an easy way to stay in touch with friends and family across the globe.
I hate that Facebook has become another way for grown up people to act EXACTLY the way they did in middle school.

There are certain types of personalities that inhabit facebook that make me want to delete my account and never look back.
These people are really jackassy. They bring their real life jack-assery to the digital world. They suck.
Let me introduce just a few.

1. The Twitterer-

Sample Status update(s)

PB&J debacle solved. Got Subway instead. Score.
Just now

At the store. All they have is CRUNCHY! :(
2 minutes ago

Damnit! Out of Peanut butter. Better go grocery shopping.
15 minutes ago

Which kind of Jelly to use? Strawberry or Grape? That is the question
17 minutes ago

Yep. Having the PB& J. Is there any better sandwich?
19 minutes ago

I think I want a peanut butter & jelly sandwich for lunch
22 minutes ago

This person thinks that Facebook and Twitter are interchangeable. On Twitter, I can look the other way when people tweet 22 times in a row. On facebook, you're just clogging up my home page. Stop doing that.

2. The lover -

Sample status update

My wonderful husband and my wonderful, beautiful children made me a fabulous cake from scratch today just because they love me sooo much. I just lovey lovey love LOVE them so much. I Love you Bob Smith, Kelly Smith, Timmy Smith, baby Smithy Smith and Bobo Smith (the doggy)! <3 <3

the lover loves everything, and she loves it all a little too much. She has the most romantic handsome husband, her job is simply amazing and she is so lucky to have it, her kids are the most outstanding children on earth, her dog wouldn't dream of getting fleas, her car shines like a diamond and drives like a dream, her local Walmart has the best service, her mailman is friendly, her Avon sales representative has amazing samples for her to try...everyone in her life is a-maz-ing. She loves to love people and she loves to tell all of her FB friends just how much she loves life. Really. She loves it.
I hate her.

3. The song quoter-

Sample Status update

Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?

or possibly-

All I wanna do in the middle of the evening is hold you tight, Rosanna. Rosanna!

Oh, and thanks for the earworm you jerk.
Related annoying person: The Movie Quoter

4. Miss Speller & My Poor Gramma(r) -

Sample Status Update

I aint goin to work tamorow I diserve a vaccation guna go shopping insted

at some point, this adult person must have thought, "Screw it. Spelling is overrated."-and meant it.

Now, not everyone is a master speller, but spell check that crap.

This goes double for you if you are a teacher and your spelling is atrocious.

5. Death's Doormat-

Sample Status update

I have the worst head cold ever! I think my head is literally going to explode. It feels like my head is being hit by a bus. Repeatedly. I am in SOOOO much pain. And, I think I broke my toe. It huuuuurts soooo bad! It feels like tiny gnomes are poking my toe with tiny sharpened pencils. OUCH!

this person is always at death's door. They have a cold. The flu. Food poisoning so bad that they can not stop throwing up. And, even considering all the throwing up they are doing, they are still dedicated enough to plunk themselves in front of a computer and tell us this? Ick. Go to bed. I don't want to catch your contagious douchebaggery.

6. The Jonses-

Sample Status update

Just got back from our Bi-annual safari in Africa and in the mail was a great big bonus from work so we went ahead and got that new Lexus I've had my eye on for weeks (yay! Finally!!) Going to drive it around as much as I can before we leave on the yacht for our yearly month long Tahitian vacation at the end of the month. :)

This person has an enormous house in a fabulous gated community, multiple expensive cars, 32 snowmobiles, 12 Jet skis, a yacht, an in-ground swimming pool, pure bred dogs, a perfectly manicured lawn, sparkling jewelry, and goes on the best vacations. Dont believe them? They have pictures (and pictures and more pictures) to prove it.
Especially annoying when these people are relatives. I...uh..hear.

Many MANY more to come in part 2 .

Who is YOUR least favorite FB personality?

We have nothing to fear, but fear itself...and long division...

2011-06-01T10:09:00.001-04:00

Someone close to me, who shall remain nameless, though his name rhymes with BY MUSBAND, pointed out the other day that I have a lot of strange phobias.

I, of course, denied it and accused him of not being open minded enough to consider my phobias normal. But he is right. I do have some strange fears.
So, in case you ever need to get revenge on me for something, here are some routes to pursue directly from the horses mouth.

Katie's Top 10 Weird Fears

1. Horses teeth. Too big. Very scary.

Frightening.
Photo via Wikipedia

2. Costumed, big headed mascots. [No I DO NOT want my picture taken with you! *shudder*]

3. Dying, then having someone hack into this blog and then write posts badly...or worse, write posts better.

4. Dropping my keys into sewer grates, garbage cans, bodies of water, and any and all other precipice type places that it would be embarrassing to try to retrieve them.

5. Meeting George W. Bush. Ever.

6. Winning the lottery and losing the ticket.

7. Finding my dad and learning that he is a mass murderer or a puppy puncher or something.

8. Long division.

9. Parallel parking. [will walk 10 extra blocks to be able to park easily]

10. Writers block [which is responsible for today's post. My sincerest apologies.]

So tell me, what crazy things are you afraid of?

Stupid Things I've Heard At Work Part 1

2011-05-27T11:33:00.000-04:00

I work at a store that sells items for teachers. We have books, classroom decoratives, toys, games, pencils, etc.
The name of the store is basically - Tools For Teaching.

This is a REAL call that I received recently.

{{{Ring}}}

Tools for Teaching. This is Katie. How can I help you?

Uh. Hi. This is John. Do you guys have Teacher’s supplies?

We sure do John.

Like…right there in the store?

Yes sir. Right here in the store.

That I can come in and look at?

Of course. The store is full of all kinds of teachers supplies.

And you have them right there? In the store?

Sure do. Are you looking for something specific that I can help you find?

Not really. I just need some stuff.

(I look around, searching for a hidden camera or someone on a cell phone, pranking me.)Well, we have lots of stuff.

Are you open?

Currently, yes.

Are you open later?

Until 6.

What about in August? Will you be open in August?

Absolutely.

And you have teachers supplies IN the store? (still doubtful that I'm telling the truth)

Yes.

Ok. See you in August before 6.

Oh..kay. See you in Aug-

{click}

This conversation got me thinking about all the stupid things I have heard while at work.
There have been some doozies. I realized that I have so many stories like this, that I could make a 5 million part series.

What are some stupid things that YOU hear at work?

I'm a wiener. Uh, I mean Winner.

2011-05-13T19:37:00.003-04:00

MEGOWW: The word that was once said while inflicting pain during a 'Karate Chop'.

This word eventually fell out of favor and has been replaced with the catchy "Hiiiiii-Yaaaaaah!" " in recent times.

I don't want to brag, but I am going to anyway. Out of like, 16,000 people [or 30.Whatever. killjoy.] that submitted definitions{mine is above} for Captcha Balderdash over at Kelley's Breakroom, MINE was chosen as the winner. I know. I KNOW!

Not only does winning expand my already inflated ego, but Kelley also mentioned something about a LARGE check..or maybe I dreamed that up. You can't be too sure with me. I have my team of lawyers working around the clock on that one for me. If I suddenly start posting from Tahiti, you'll know how that story ended.

If you have never been to Kelley's Breakroom, I suggest that you head right on over there. Kelley is hysterical.
Not like, "I do say, Buffy, that Kelley and her Breakroom gave me a bit of a chuckle today."
but more of a,
"I do say, Buffy, thanks to that Kelley and her Breakroom, I do believe I need to change my undergarments post haste!"
Ya know what I mean?
No?
Neither do I.
Suffice it to say, Kelley is a hoot-and-a-half,extremely talented and amazingly creative. Go on and hang out in the breakroom for a bit and see for yourself. Old Aunt Katie wouldn't steer you wrong.

Now I am off to wait by the mailbox for that incredibly LARGE check.

No TV or Eyeball Herpes Avoided

2011-05-04T19:41:00.001-04:00

My family doesn't watch TV.

Thank you Google Images

Don't get me wrong, I am not an anti-television hippie or anything. In fact, we don't watch because we all like the tube a little too much. We would sit and watch all day if we had it, getting up only to use the bathroom [if that] and to replenish our potato chips.
So, a few years back, the husband and I decided to disconnect the television- which completely sucked at first but is now no big deal.

As good as it is for my family, there are some cons to this TV-less existence.
For starters, At one point in my life, I was hopelessly addicted to a little television show called Lost. You may have heard of it? To watch it, I would drive 15 miles to my mother's house and hijack her TV. I don't think she liked the show at all, but she let me do it anyway. What a gal.

Another weird thing is when people find out we don't watch. There are a few common reactions.
1. {GASP} You don't watch TV?!? What do you do all day?

and

2. Well, good for you. (which sounds nice, but most of the time the 'good' is said with two syllables which makes this normally nice phrase sarcastic.)

and my personal favorite

3. But you do watch American Idol (or insert any currently hot program) though, right? RIGHT?

Also, my mother (see above) who has known for almost 4 years that we do not watch any form of TV, will still call me and say, "Did you just see the news story on Channel 9? I think that girl went to your school!"
and my answer, of course, is- Yep. Sure did. She graduated the year before me...

It's just easier that way.

Another thing is that I rarely know what people are talking about around the proverbial water cooler and regularly have to Google things like:

Is "the Situation" a person?

answer: Yes, a STD riddled one at that.

Is Mariah Carey pregnant?

answer: Isn't EVERYONE pregnant right now? {way to answer a question with another question, Google.}

Who is Bristol Palin and why should I care?

answer: nobody and you shouldn't.

Is Donald Trump still an insufferable ass hat?

answer: a million times YES.

Thank Goodness for Google.

It's hard ~~impossible, in fact I REFUSE~~ to avoid TV when I spend time at a house that has *oh dear lord* Cable.

My standards weaken and spend many hours of wide eyed watching. Sucked in by shows I never knew existed.

Hoarders.

Say Yes to the Dress.
Cupcake Wars/Cake Boss/
What NOT to Wear

And some crazy couponing show where these amazingly weird and wonderful people buy 6 trillion dollars worth of groceries for $3.18. I believe this show is called Hoarders on a Budget. Or possibly Hoarders with coupons, or even Hoarders with better money skills.

It's like a crazy-horrifying-wonderful-scary-hilarious train wreck and I love it.

Katie + Crazy Coupon ladies = True love forever.

There are also perks that go along with this lifestyle.
1. I have never seen an episode of Jersey Shore. That right there is like, the best perk EVER. According to Google, just watching it can lead to herpes of the eyeballs. This could be a lie, but you know, better safe than sorry.

2. My son does not ask for toys he doesn't really want, but was told to want during commercials at Christmas time. I believe we have saved tens of thousands of dollars on Zhu Zhu Pets alone.

3.The boy is also an amazing reader and has a fabulous vocabulary. He is the actual writer of this blog.
TA DA!!
Ok, so that was a fib, but seriously, the kid is smart and I know he didn't get that genetically. It HAS to be the no TV rule.

4. We read a lot. Before I found blogs, I would read about a 60 books a year. Which is pretty cool because I know people who haven't read 60 books in their whole life so I feel very accomplished, comparatively.

5. My house is always hospital-standard clean! (those of you who know me in real life can just keep your comments on this one to yourself.)

So yeah. Life in Casa Opportunity may be TV-less but I'll say it again.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN JERSEY SHORE.
You're welcome eyes. And brain cells. And stomach.

So tell me -Do you watch?
Do you not?
What else do I need to Google?

Questions and questionable fillings

2011-04-25T09:57:00.001-04:00

In case there is anyone still reading this sadly forsaken blog [hi mom], I thought it best to drop in and say hello.

But first, how was your Easter? Religious? Happy? Chocolate filled? All or None of the above?
Mine was just lovely. Thank you for asking.

Anywhoozie, today I am going to pose a question. Possibly multiple questions, depending on how scattered and candy-hungover my thoughts are.

Are you ready?
Q: What exactly is the orange stuff in the middle of a Cadbury Creme Egg?

Wait. No. That's not my question. Well, it is a question I have, and I believe to this day that the orange stuff is much too "yolk realistic" and that is the reason I don't care for Cadbury Eggs but I digress...

Really. That's just nasty.

Focus Kate!

Ok. My question is this: What is the driving force behind your blog? Why do you do it? What keeps you coming back? Is it that you love to write? The connections you make with other bloggers? The attention? The money? {I could go on and on here...}

I would love to hear your honest, completely stripped-down-soul bearing answers.

Can you help me? Why do you blog?

If not, can you tell me what that dang orange stuff is?

Is this thing on?

2011-03-29T17:10:00.002-04:00

Hello there.

My name is Katie, and I am the (sporadic) writer of this blog. I haven't been here for a long long while.

I'm gonna hit you with a little honesty here: after being gone for much too long, I was scared to come back.

I was afraid I would return to NMO to find that all of my followers had moved on to greener (and funnier) pastures, and it would be just me and that lady with her foot up in the corner there.

"Gina,(that's what I call foot-up girl) where did they all go?" I would ask, my voice echoing through the desolation of my once flourishing blog space.

"Uh, they left... You stopped delivering the goods, lady!" she would answer while stomping off. "Hold up your own header, you big deserter!"

Yep. Kind of like way I feel when my Grandma calls me and I don't return the call for days because I am to busy sleeping or eating or breathing, and it gets to be a month later and I remember that I STILL haven't returned her call, and figure at this point, calling her back would just be silly because it's been too long and she had probably stopped waiting for my call weeks ago.
Like that.
You know what I mean?

So, imagine my complete and total happiness when I got here and found that I had only lost 1 follower.
I would rather have lost none, but one is better than 130, am I right? Yes I am.
Bless all 129 of your pea-pickin' hearts for sticking with me. If it weren't for you, what is the point of me being here? Thank you for giving me a purpose.

My absence is not a sign that nothing blogworthy has been happening at Chez Opportunity. The opposite is true.
Oh my.

For example:

I started going to Aquafit classes. Not just that but- I actually LIKE water aerobics in spite of the fact that I am exercising for an entire hour while there.
You may know from reading here, or from looking at my picture that I DESPISE exercising.
Hate. Hate. Hate.
But guess what folks? I love me some Aquafit.
Love. Love. Love.

If Aquafit were a person, I would leave my husband, elope with Aquafit and start a new life in Montana with it. Have a house full of watery little Aquafit babies...
I love it that much.

I am pretty sure it has nothing* to do with the fact that I get one whole hour of uninterrupted [except when the teacher is talking. Bothersome!] adult conversation with people that are not 7 years old and the fruit of my loins.

It also has nothing to do with the "ladies nights" that accompany the classes more often than not.
Yay exercise!**

I would like to tell you more, but I have some blogs to read that I have been neglecting.
I shall return. And soon.

Pinkie swear.

_____________________________________________________________
*obviously it has EVERYTHING TO DO WITH IT.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

2011-03-03T13:12:00.003-05:00

Bit by bit, NMO is becoming more and more what I want it to be. ~~(A trillion dollar empire)~~ Aesthetically, anyway.

If you would kindly direct your eyes to the address window up there, you will see the completed step 249 in that process (ok, it might not be there yet, but google/blogger promises it will be, soon.) I dropped the blogspot.com like a hot potato

and have a shiny new dot com address. You need to know that the minute Google took my $10 I loudly shouted:

Forcing looks of disapproval from both my husband and my brother who were trying to watch a MOVIE ifyoudon'tmindthankyouverymuch.

If I was not so obsessed with personalizing everything, life would be much easier. I blame my 1st grade teacher. She handed us blank folders and markers on the first day of school and told us to make them our own.

One minute, you're drawing flowers and rainbows on your first grade folder and the next you find yourself wearing a jewellery loupe, tweezers in hand, gluing tiny rhinestones to your cell phone one by one.

I didn't say it looked good.

*ahem* I hear.

This blog needs some hand glued rhinestones, darnit!!

Yes, blogging is supposed to be about the writing and all that, but a nice presentation never killed anyone. Am I right?

Anywaaaaaaaay, I guess I said all of that to let you know that changes, they are a comin'!
I'm pretty excited.

WE DID IT!!! Right, Liz?

_________________________________________________________________________
also, I have NO idea what is going on with my comments. Are any of you getting responses? Bear with me. I'm a techno savvy work in progress.

I'm honored

2011-03-01T17:54:00.000-05:00

Someone found this blog by searching the phrase:

Missed Opportunity funny blog

I feel like I've made it.*
Screen shot taken, printed and will be posted on my fridge this evening.

*this is much more exciting than the fact that this blog has been found by searching this phrase too:
Chubby girl JCPenney

Win some, lose some I guess.

White Noise and Weeds

2011-02-28T13:02:00.001-05:00

I have felt this way before.

Here it comes, strolling back into my life with no regard for my happiness. My goals. My accomplishments.
No, it whispers. It’s time. Now you will change.
You will feel like darkness. You will feel alone.
Like static.

Like white noise.

But I’m content! I reply. Happy. Now is not a good time. There is no reason for you to be here. Life is good.

It’s no use arguing. It always gets its way.

Don’t worry. It says with a smirk. Just put on a happy face and pretend nothing is wrong.
Don’t burden others with my visit.
If they know, you have failed.
It is your job to smile. To Laugh. It’s who you are.
You must give the people what they want.

It draws the shades and sits down.

Makes itself comfortable.

Pushes into my personal space.

Uses up my air.

Pleased with itself that it can change my world so quickly and thoroughly.

Pats itself on the back for being able to take me by surprise. Again.

It knows me well. Knows which buttons to push to be the most effective. Knows where my wall is shoddily built and throws stones just there.
It does not play fair.
It makes the rules as it goes then changes them when I become familiar, or try to use them to my advantage.

We have a history together. We met in college. It hangs around. Never strays too far. Sometimes it’s within sight, but on the outskirts of my life, seemingly harmless.

Like a weed.

From a distance I sometimes mistake it for a flower but stepping closer reveals the truth.

Sometimes it hides in the shadows, pretending it’s not there, but thriving, even without sunshine. Fooling me. Letting me think it has withered and died - before making its confident and destructive return.
Again.

I am white noise.

Making up (lost time) is hard to do

2011-02-23T07:17:00.001-05:00

I've been MIA here for a while. I would like to be able to say that my absence was part of a well thought out plan but can't because that would be a lie. THAT, however is another blog post for another day.

I would like to welcome my new readers. I have tried to visit all of you in the last week but I'm sure that I've missed someone. I'm still working on getting around to everyone I've been neglecting. I am shocked about how much goes on in the blogosphere every day. Missing two weeks here is like being cut off from the world, and is just as lonely [and boring].

So? How have YOU all been?

Ice

2011-02-11T14:32:00.001-05:00

My boy.

So sweet and funny.

So smart and charming.

So warm and wise beyond his years.

So mild and sensitive.

So thoughtful and observant.

So quick with a smile or a laugh.

So kind and friendly.

Such a beautiful little soul.

Today I got to observe my little boy from afar.

He didn't know I was watching.

I got to see a small piece of his world.

I saw him get to a door first and instead of walking through, hold it open for the little girls behind him.

He is at the ice rink with the entire second grade.

I saw him try to move through the door, but decide against it, as child after child pushes past him to get on the ice.

Maybe now? No.

Now? No.

He held the door for a hundred children and was last on the ice. Only one person thanked him. A teacher.

I watched as he slowly, cautiously, made his way across the ice. To fall would be to bruise to his ego as well as his body.

A few boys skated past.

"You need to skate faster. You're skating like a baby!"

He made no reply but I know the words hurt. He doesn't want to be called a baby.

A little girl falls in front of him and though she will right herself long before he will be able to get to her, he says, "Are you ok? Let me help you!"

She is up and skating away without a look back.

He 'skates' slowly- barely moving - shuffling his feet, arms out for balance . He skates alone on a rink full of children.

His mouth is moving.

I know he is quietly singing the Indiana Jones theme. He does this now, out of habit, without even realizing he's doing it. Indiana Jones is a friend that never ever fails him.
Doesn't call him a baby.

He must do it quietly though, or the other children will hear. He can't let them hear. They would tease.

At the end of skating, he is last off the ice. He would never dream of pushing his way out front to be first. He seems to think he knows his place.

The center is crowded with little bodies and big voices,each trying to shout louder than the next.

He looks for a place to sit. For a conversation to join.

"You are a really good skater." He says quickly and quietly to a boy, seizing an opportunity.

"I know. It's easy." Is the reply.

"I'm not good at it. It's not easy for me. Dad says I just need to pract..."

But the other boy has gotten up to get in line for the bus.

He moves slowly. Unties each skate. Takes off his helmet. He places them into their spots just as they were asked to do. He looks around. He asks the lady working if she would like help putting the things away that the other children didn't take care of.
She smiles.

"No thank you, young man. How polite of you to ask, though. Did you have fun skating today?"
"Yes. Thank you for having me," he says. He smiles his jack-o-lantern grin at the lady and heads for the line.

He gets on the bus. He sits with the teacher.

I see them talking and smiling. This is when he feels the most comfortable with himself. In the company of adults. He feels that grown ups are nicer.
They understand him.
This is when his confidence soars and his light shines the brightest.

I know that when I collect him after school and ask him about his day, he will not complain.
He will tell me that he had fun. That he didn't fall. Not even ONCE!
He'll tell me about the nice lady at the ice rink.
He will tell me a joke. A joke a second grader would love.
He will ask me about my day.

Before bed, we will talk.
He will finally open up about how he is feeling.
He will ask, "Why am I so different? Why don't I have more friends? I try to be friendly."

My heart will break.
I won't have a good answer.
I will stammer something about how much I love him and he will say, " It's ok mom. I will just try again tomorrow.'

My boy.

Ah Monday. We meet again.

2011-02-07T11:19:00.000-05:00

My son has been watching this YouTube video and quoting it at every possible opportunity. I'm sure I will get a call from the school today to inform me that the little guy will only answer to "Marcel" and is driving everyone batty speaking only in the dialogue spoken in the clip.

It IS kind of funny.

Who can blame him?

Promise kept

2011-02-04T11:53:00.002-05:00

Before we get to the big show, I would like to tell you a short story.

When I was in my first year of college, I chatted back and forth with a boy in San Marcos Texas that I met in a chatroom. In the late 90's, not many people posted pictures online unless they had access to scanners or digital cameras which cost like, 87 bazillion dollars back then.[Also, we had a little thing called dial up. How did we deal with that? Ack!] Anyway, this boy and I chatted a lot late at night and I thought he was awesome, but I had yet to see a picture of him. After a couple months of talking back and forth, he asked me for my address and so that he could send me a picture of himself. [if you are my mother, shop reading here. You will have a heart attack worrying about my personal safety of 13 years ago if you continue.]

So, of course I sent him my address.

A week letter, an letter arrived from my online friend. I opened the envelope slowly, expecting a Ricky Martin look-alike to reveal himself to me. I know. Remember - it was 1998. We were all Livin La Vida Loca that year.

Needless to say, I did not pull Ricky Martin from that envelope that day.

I am ashamed to say that I never chatted with that young man again.

Why?

Because he wasn't cute.
True story.

I have lived with the guilt of being a complete jackwagon for years.

YEARS...

The end.

Here's my vlog.

Dear Karma, please be kind. I am certainly no Ricky Martin.

Update. And a teensy weensy rant.

2011-02-01T14:27:00.001-05:00

Just a few things today.

First, thank you for all the advice you've given me about the whole blog overhaul. I appreciate it greatly.

Technology = gives Katie a headache.

I think I know exactly what I am going to do.

Hopefully it doesn't suck.

Second, I have installed a new commenting system. I did this because it was hard for me to reply to my lovely comments with the basic blogger commenting system. EVERYONE IN THE WORLD has that "no reply @ blogger" thing going on and I would really like to be able to reply by email.

Yes, I could just continue to reply in the comment section, however, I don't know about you, but after I leave a comment somewhere, I hardly ever schlep myself over again just to see if I have been acknowledged. I do, however, check my email often and LOVE when a person has responded to my comments there. I imagine there are others that feel the same way.

Please tell me if you hate it. I can always go back to the old way, but for now, Disqus it is.

Third, if you are a new follower (welcome) and I have not been to your blog, or you have not heard from me in any shape or form, please let me know. My writing life has kind of exploded [in a good way] all of a sudden and I don't want anyone to get lost in the shuffle, ok? Ok. Don't be shy. I don't bite. Unless provoked. Or asked nicely. Or paid to.

The town I grew up in. On a Tuesday.

Last, if you live in the U.S. you probably know that much of the country is expecting

The snowstorm to end ALL SNOWSTORMS.

I even heard on the News today (and almost crashed my car laughing so hard) that some places are expecting...

"UP TO TWO FEET OF SNOW!!!"

Aaaaahhhhhhhh!

Wait.. did they say two feet? Yawn. Wake me up when a hurricane is headed our way.

Sorry to be patronizing to you folks who are not used to getting snow, but around these parts when we get two feet of snow, we call that TUESDAY. Am I right Minnesota? Wisconsin?

Deep breath, Midwest. You're gonna be fine. We do this every winter. So- the roads are bad you can't go to Walmart one for one day. Trust me, those hot pockets will be there after the plows come out and return the streets to semi-normalcy. You may even get the day off! You know what that means?

Adult snow day.

And THAT is rad.

A winter storm bonus? Awesome sledding!
So, lug those end of the world emergency kits back to the basement find a sled instead. You won't be sorry.

Another funny thing about this BIGGEST WINTER STORM IN TEN YEARS is that it doesn't look like it will even hit Northern Michigan at all. { <=== I may be the only one laughing.}Which is awesome, because we deserve a break.

I think that about covers it.

*photos from google images

It has been decided. Curmudgeonly.

2011-01-29T19:58:00.003-05:00

Guess who just got published by her big old bloggy crush ??

Me.

I know. I know.

{ Deep breath }

go visit me at the Sassy Curmudgeon

I could puke because I'm so excited.

You go read.

I'll go barf.

Deal?

Deal.

I need some help. Shocking. I know.

2011-01-26T11:22:00.000-05:00

This picture has nothing to do with this post in any way.

For quite some time now, I have been toying with the idea of a great big blog overhaul. I have been undecided about what to do but with such a small blogging budget ($0.00 to be exact) the choice has been relatively easy. Nothing.

However.

My husband has given me the gift of a new blog design for my coming birthday. How flipping cool is that?! (Thanks Husband that isn't reading this.)

So, here I sit. In a quandary.

Do I just redesign NMO

start from scratch with the new blog of my dreams?

While No Missed Opportunities is a good name (and a pretty good way to live life), I don't know that it represents my personality and what I hope to accomplish with this blog (which is different now that my blog has evolved a bit.)

So, what I need are your professional opinions.

Which route should I go?

What advice do you have?

Have you overhauled your blog?
What are the pros and cons that I may not be thinking of?

I am even open to hearing new title suggestions.

The following have already been suggested:

The dork's blog.

Sharksnake.

This is my blog title.

Indiana Jones.

Katie always late-y

What's a blog?

I'm Hungry

Writing I don't HAVE to do but I do anyway

Ugh.

Thank you to my family members who gave those fascinating though not very helpful suggestions.

Can you do better for me?

I do have an idea for a name but we shall see.

Thank you in advance because I know I am going to get a hundred helpful comments on this post.**hint

A day in the life...

2011-01-24T11:19:00.001-05:00

Alternative title: Guess who found the collage maker on Photobucket?!

My days look a lot like this:

Dear Summer, come back soon.
Please? Pretty please?

What about Friday, Saturday, and Sunday? More of the same. All pictures are interchangeable.
Also, I spend a lot of time in my minivan by the looks of things. Jealous much?

Thankfully, this guy knows just how to cheer me up.

We've certainly had some funny conversations.

Like the one we had about my MOMSTACHE or this one about Gray hair or this one, about How horses communicate.

As if that weren't enough, look at that face:

I wonder where he gets it?

Then there are these moments.

The shirt fits him fine. He was just bored and wanted his picture taken.

Done.

Then there's this little fur ball.

I love her every single moment of every day and can't imagine not having a dog.

Except when she poos on the floor.
Then I'd like to sell her to the Gypsy's.

For real. Are there still Gypsy's? Where can I find them? Are they on Twitter?

Grouchy no more

2011-01-21T09:35:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, i was sick in bed with a migraine. Once the pain finally subsided, I was super grouchy because that was NOT the way i had planned to spend my day off.

Since I am no fun when I'm a grouch (but who is, really?) And because my child is so sweet and funny, he made it his personal mission to cheer me up.

Mom! Look at this face! [Makes silly face]

Mom? Did that make you feel better?

Did I ever tell you how much I miss you while I'm at school?

Did you know today was pizza day at school? I only ate the crust.

After you're all cheered up, can I play Wii? Do you think our ancestors were cave men? I was reading partners with Claire today. She reads fast. How do they make licorice? When I close my eyes really tight, I hear a low rumbling sound. What do you think that is? What year was great grandpa Joe born? How much longer until my birthday? Do you think I'll ever have a little brother or sister? Do you want me to cook you a bowl of cereal? Are you happier now mom or do you need me to keep going?

How could I stay grumbly after a conversation like that? I couldn't.

Mission accomplished.

Thank you son.

Better than a Golden Globe

2011-01-18T15:28:00.003-05:00

The lovely Kristy at Pampers and Pinot has given me an award.

I'm quite happy to get this award because I was not given a Golden Globe the other night. I wasn’t even nominated!

I know. I am just as shocked as you are.

Thankfully, this award will fill the hole in my heart just about the size of a Golden Globe.
Thank you Kristy. You are too kind.

As per the rules, I am to tell you 7 things about me.
Wait! Wait! Don't leave.
I know the last thing you want to do is read silly tidbits about me, but it will be worth it. I illustrated the tidbits myself. They are ~~strange~~ awesome.

Also, I know just about everything there is to know about me so this should be pretty easy on my end.

All you have to do is read on and feign excitement about these little Katie Knuggets (the 'k' is not silent in either word there.) and enjoy my ~~horrible~~ adorable illustrations.

7 previously undisclosed factoids about yours truly:

1. When she was little, my cousin had absolutely gorgeous, thick, long, hair. My hair was short, bowl-cutted and lame. I was jealous. Her hair was a point of pride for both my cousin and her mother.
She and my Aunt went on and on about her hair.

Oh! The things you could do with it!

Oh! How LONG it took her to grow it.

Oh! The special conditioners that cost big $$ that they gooped into it twice a week

…blah blah gag me.

Well, I got sick of it. One day, I invited my cousin to play beauty shop with me and accidentally* cut off a nice big chunk of her hair. It was ~~awesome~~ horribly tragic. I felt ~~elated~~ very bad. As punishment, both her mom and my mom spanked me.

Totally worth EVERY spanking.

2. I always eat the orange M&M's first because they are far superior to any other color. No one will ever convince me otherwise.

Orange. The KING of M&M's.

3. I am inappropriately in love with my new toothbrush. It’s called a PLAK SMACKER (not kidding) and using it is like having a million sparkly angel kitten whispers clean your teeth. Which sounds strange but is actually wonderful. Don't judge me.

I really wish I had this dress.
Glad I don't have those Wii hands.

4. During college, I started an email program that people could 'subscribe' [subscribers = people who gave me their email addresses] to for Katie’s Thought of the day. These “thoughts” were short, one paragraph observations of campus life or notifications of what I ate for lunch. [Ramen. Again.]
I like to think they were awesome. I’m not sure what the subscribers really thought.
As you can see, I was way ahead of Twitter.

This is really what computers looked like in 1997 kids.

5. After getting caught talking for the 8 billionth time in English class in 10th grade, the teacher moved my best friend to the back right hand corner of the room and me to the front left hand corner.
Not to be deterred, we learned sign language and continued to communicate despite the distance.

Mismatched desks = shabby chic.

6. I can not watch gory movies. Especially seeing skin getting cut or punctured. If I see it, I vomit on the spot. Just typing that sentence made me a bit queasy so we’ll be moving right along.

This is also how I looked the year I dressed as Princess Fiona for Halloween.

7. In 1st grade, I told my teacher that someday I was going to write a book and that I wouldn't let her read it because it would probably contain 'swears'. She didn't even bat an eye and said, "I don't mind a swear, as long as it's properly used."
I loved her.

Darnit! It's to blurry to read. Believe me, it's hilarious.

Well, there you have it. 7 little pearls about lil' ol' me.
And what did I tell you about those illustrations? Snazzy, no?

Rules say to pass this award to 15 people. I'm going to pass it to four because I can. YAY!

Those 4blogs are:

Bleeding Healer
Dani's Letters
JoBart
Litany of Brittainy
{please come back. The blogosphere misses you.}

*That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Added after posting: The hair cutting incident happened when she was 6 and I was 7. I didn't cut a little cousin's hair, like, last year or anything. Thought I better clarify. You never can tell with me.

The Food Fail Anniversary

2011-01-14T12:55:00.001-05:00

My husband and I celebrated our anniversary a few days ago. I thought it would be fun to get a babysitter and spend an evening at a restaurant that wasn’t equipped with a drive-through window.

I did some research and found a place ~~that wasn't Taco Bell~~ that sounded interesting.

Café Sante.

European food.

Extensive wine and beer list.

Score.

It is important to note that my husband and I are not foodies by any stretch of the imagination.

We are, unfortunately, like most Midwestern Americans when it comes to food. By that I mean that our diet consists of things mostly:
a.) deep fried
or
b.) having the word “nugget” in the name.

I am not proud of this, mind you. I wish I was worldly when it comes to food. I wish that I could turn my nose up to a cheeseburger or a Pop tart, but alas, I can not.

However, for our anniversary, we decided that we were going to go somewhere nice, and broaden our food horizons.

On the way there, I imagined myself being served plate after plate of beautiful European delicacies, sipping expensive French wines and laughing coyly at my husband’s witty stories.

I found myself saying things to my husband like,

“Escargot. Isn’t that snails? People eat them all the time. They must be wonderful. I’m going to try some tonight!”

To which my husband romantically replied, “No you won’t.”

Once inside and perusing the menu, my bravado was nowhere to be found.

Husband: Do you have ANY idea what any of this stuff is?

Me: Um…yeah. I remember some of it from the movie Julie & Julia. I’ll Google definitions on my phone.

Him: I don’t feel like we belong here. We’re simple people.

Me: Relax. We DO belong here. And we are NOT simple. ...Are we simple?

Him: Whatever you do, don’t ask for Ketchup, ok? I am pretty sure they would make fun of us in the kitchen if we do that.

Me: Fine. No ketchup. I guess these FRITTES are out of the question then.

Him: I guess so, but you’re in luck! They have escargot. Only $8! Shall I order that for you to start?

Escar-NO!

Me: What kind of civilized person eats snails? We buy chemicals to kill them when they invade our garden which, by the way only costs $6, and I don’t know if you've forgotten, but they leave a slimy snail trail wherever they go. I am NOT trying them! I will NOT have snail slime in my stomach.

Him: Can I get mussels?

Me: Absolutely. If you want me to vomit on the table.

(oh yes, the magic is still alive.)

We decided to have the Charcuterie Platter to start off our meal.

Our waitress explained that it was basically a selection of meats-dried and cured- served with bread and crackers. (I can totally get behind bread and crackers.)

The plate arrived and the waitress pointed at different things, telling us what they were.

Point. Pepperoni. (usually on pizza = ok in my book)

Point. Bologna. (not like, Oscar Meyer. This bologna had bits of stuff in it. One of which was chopped pistachios) Note: I could have dealt with Oscar Meyer.

Point. Bigger Pepperoni. (awesome)

Point. Onion Relish (I’ll try that)

Point. Prosciutto. ( Giada de Laurentiis seems to like it)

Point. Point. Salmon Pate. Duck Pate. ( Nope.)

Waitress: (gesturing at what looked like a very small, gray meatloaf) Duck liver. Ours has pistachios in it. You’ll really enjoy it. (Did they over order pistachios or what?)

With trepidation, my hub and I both grabbed a piece of bread and started out.

I grabbed some pepperoni.

He grabbed his knife and was smearing his bread with some whitish substance I hadn’t heard the waitress name. Brave man.

Me: What are you trying there?

Him: Uh, I believe this is butter.

So officially, I liked:
the pepperoni (both sizes)
the onion relish.

I have no opinion of:
the duck pate. Except that if it did not contain pistachios I would not have tried it at all.

The salmon pate I did not try, based solely on smell.

As for prosciutto? Giada de Laurentiis is playing a trick on us. It tasted like my dogs chew toys smell.

Horizons broadened.

Enough of that nonsense.

For dinner I ordered Cheese Ravioli and the hub ordered Boeuf Bourguignon which got my seal of approval because I remembered it from the movie.

The best part of the meal was definitely the Tiramisu we had for desert. We loved it because it contains two of our favorite things, Sugar and liqueur.

Like it or not, we are simple at least culinarily speaking.

Next year, we’re just gonna start with the Tiramisu. If McDonald's would start serving it, our lives would be perfect.
McMisu.
Yum.

The laundry will wait. These blogs aren't gonna read themselves.

2011-01-12T06:15:00.005-05:00

You know what I like?
Finding fun new blogs to read.

You know what I like even more?
When finding fun new blogs to read requires no real effort on my part.

You too? I thought so.

Through various blogging acquaintances (blogquaintances) I have had the opportunity to find these new reads.

I hate to tell you what to do, but you really should visit these blogs. If you want a laugh, or want to be inspired, or just want to have a reason to avoid the laundry a little while longer, you should check them out.

If you'd like your faith in humanity to be restored

visit Marla at Butts and Ashes

Marla is an outstanding woman. Read this post is it crazy? Maybe but it's also AMAZING.

If you'd like to read TWO witty blogs about life and family

Check out Daddy Green's Pride and Mommy Boots

The writers of each happen to be married - to each other. Both are totally rad.

If you'd like to laugh your derriere off

Stop by Kelley's Break Room

The Blog O'Cheese

Why should you? Because I literally fell off my couch laughing at a post Kelly wrote about Mister Roger's.

She is totally nutty. I love it.

Plus, SHE pointed me toward the Blog O' Cheese which is absolutely insane. But in a GOOD way.

Case in point? Go see what he plans to do when he hits 500 followers.

That right THERE is worth clicking the link.

If you would like to get into Glen's inner circle before he becomes a famous published author -and believe me- It's GONNA happen

Go read (and follow)

Glen's Life

for some strange reason, he has less than 100 followers. This is strange to me.

Glen is the real deal.

Read.

Comment.

Follow.

He'll be happy and I'll be happy, and being happy is nice.

So see? Great reads with little work involved.
Just get yourself a nice beverage and click away.

I Was a Teenage Bra-Fitter

2011-01-10T14:13:00.000-05:00

I was updating my profile today and realized that I have a wealth* of stories to tell.

Yeah fine, most of them are not fit for human consumption due to their lack of interesting details and/or valid point, but have no fear, I will share them anyway.
I know you have important things to do like pay bills, feed your children and watch kittens on YouTube but I appreciate those of you who are still reading.

For example...

In 1998 I got a part-time job at JCPenney. I got this job because I was in college, my graduation money had all but run out, and I was hungry. You can only live on Ramen Noodles for so long before you actually TURN INTO Ramen Noodles.

Anyway, you know how some people have a God given talent to sing, or paint or do long division in their head? Well, I didn't get any of those cool talents. As it turns out, I am awesome at RETAIL.
Yep. You heard me. I am a retail savant. Me and retail, we just clicked. Which is disappointing because I really wanted to find that winning the Lottery was my forte but NO SUCH LUCK.

Now, any of you who ~~are human~~ work in retail are probably scratching your heads and saying, "Gee, Katie. Retail is pretty easy stuff. They hire college kids for that kind of job. A potty trained orangutan would be good at it!"

To that I say: I agree. It does not take a lot of talent, a college degree, or business sense to work in the women's department of a clothing store. And yes, an orangutan COULD probably do it, but they would have trouble using the sticker guns and the ink tag removers so NER.

What I DO have that an orangutan doesn't is an uncanny ability to take an irate customer and turn them into a not irate customer** just by talking to them. I also have the talent to help a customer find exactly what they need even if they don't KNOW what they need.

Because I possessed these rare abilities, I was hired then promoted quickly.

How was I shown appreciation for my efforts and skills in the women's department?

I was eventually promoted to:

PROFESSIONAL BRA FITTER

I'll give you a moment to take that in.

Every.Girls.Dream. = NOT.

Becoming a Professional Bra Fitter (PBF) or a "Titter Fitter" as we called ourselves in the break room -was not an easy task.
One had to pass BRA FITTING UNIVERSITY (BFU)*** which consisted of watching six 10 minute videos of staged (and quite poorly acted) BRA FITTINGS.

BFU graduation was only achieved by correctly measuring someone else in the class under the watchful eye of whatever manager happened to be on duty at the time and culminated with being handed a framed certificate that contained your name, picture, and the words BRA FITTING PROFESSIONAL. Unfortunately, these were not ours to keep. Eventually they would be posted in the women's fitting room, so that if a customer found herself in a bra fitting quandary, she had only to track us down in the store based on our pictures.

After I graduated from BFU, I was an equal mixture of proud of myself and embarrassed for myself.

Weeks later, after pounding the pavement like a breast obsessed super hero in an exhausting effort to help the 70% of women wearing the wrong bra size, I told a friend (a guy) about my newest job responsibilities.

His reaction was,

"ARE YOU KIDDING?...How can I apply for that job??!! I could measure women's boobs day and night. I bet I wouldn't even have to use a measuring tape. I bet I could just eyeball 'em or do some hand cuppage**** to figure sizes!"

In his horny college boy mind, he imagined tall, blond, perky college girls coming to me and asking for help finding their correct size which quickly led to hot girl on girl action in the fitting room.

What he failed to realize is- that if college girls know one thing, It's how to find a bra in the correct size. Not only that, college girls know exactly the right kind of bra to best enhance their assets. College girls excel at this.

Do you know what kind of person needs help with bra sizing?

The kind that:

Burned her bra in the 60's and hadn't worn one since. (read:30 years of gravity saggage)
Doesn't really need help finding the correct size, just likes to show people her boobs and incidentally DOESN'T like to SHOWER and/or SHAVE her armpits
Just needs someone to talk to/is lonely and knows they will have a captive audience during bra fitting
Wants to STUMP the bra fitter with breasts so gigantic/oddly shaped/differently sized/ that a correct size for them hasn't been invented yet.

After I explained this to my friend, he was no longer interested. Quite frankly neither was I.

Being a PBF was a difficult, thankless, sometimes dirty job. I like to think that somewhere out there, a woman is pulling on her (correctly sized) bra this morning and thinking fondly of the perfect stranger who ~~was just trying to make money to eat~~ found her a perfectly fitting bra, size 48FFF, all those years ago.

Which, on second though seems creepy.

*approximately 8 stories
** a dangerous and highly difficult situation
***can't remember the real name of the program but it was something equally silly
****a gross phrase to this day

The Horror!

2011-01-07T19:55:00.001-05:00

My son and I had the following conversation recently.
(My apologies to any of my FB or Twitter friends that already saw this.)

Son: Mom? What Wii games did you play when you were little?

Me: I didn't have Wii when I was little.

Son: Really? What DID you do when you were little?

Me: I played outside.

Son: [horrified gasp] ALL DAY?!? [walks away disgusted, mumbling under his breath] I'm glad I wasn't born in the 1900's!

I am going to assume he just thinks the 1900's must be the years just before the 2000's -when he was born, and not that he thinks I was born a hundred years ago. Though I'm not holding my breath.

For Lori

2011-01-06T07:19:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning to the news that our good friend Lori (Random Ramblings of a Stay At Home Mum) needs our support. I don't know any details but I do know that her husband is in intensive care and is fighting for his life.
She (and her family) need our thoughts and prayers.
I know she wouldn't do any less for any one of us.

My Blogiversary

2011-01-04T19:27:00.000-05:00

Exactly one year ago today, I wrote my first blog post here at NMO.

This is what it looked like:

2 previous blogs.

Deleted.

This year, I am going to direct my free time and energy to this blog. Ok, and Facebook. I need my Facebook. I decided to write this blog because this is the year I turn 31. Actually, I will be celebrating my 2nd annual 30th birthday thankyouverymuch. ( I refuse to acknowledge my real age again until I am 40)

That being said, I realized-being the ever so wise 30 year old- that my life has just been pooing away and I will never be getting any of that back.

Teens? Gone.

20's? GONE.

30's? 1/10th Gone.

Time sure does fly while you are waiting for "real life" to begin! I have decided to STOP being scared,

(which I am. A LOT)

and start LIVING.

My new motto is NO MISSED OPPORTUNITIES (now my blog title too). I have done a lot in these 30 years but I want more.

More.

MORE.

So, I have decided to go get it...aaand blog at the same time.

Well, that and I saw Julie & Julia which has gotten me excited about many things: Cooking, Julia Child, Amy Adams, blogging, and last but not least-Stanley Tucci.

So thank you Julia and Amy for kicking my lazy butt and giving me some motivation to change up and air out the ol' life a bit.

.....................

What I really wanted to post here today was my vlog. However, due to some technological snafu (read: me being clueless) that will not be happening.

(Btw, is there a place I can upload my video BESIDES YouTube? I am having soooo much trouble. Gah!)

Instead, I would like to thank all of you that read this hot mess of a blog.

I know I am not writing literature here, and I get a bit happy with the parentheses at times, but you stick with me. I could just smooch on all of you. I won't, but I totally could if most of you didn't live on different continents.

Thank you for sharing your blogs with me. I have learned so much. I've read so many uplifting stories. Cried so many tears of joy and sadness, peed my pants on more than one occasion while laughing at your incredible wit and originality, which sounds gross, but is actually a compliment of the highest order. I swear.

I have made so many great friends this past year. My family doesn't understand how I can be friends with someone just by reading their blogs and having conversations with them via twitter, but I know it's possible.

I am so thankful for technology because without it, I would probably be sitting on my couch just staring at my husband, waiting for him to entertain me, or starting fires. I can totally see me becoming a pyro. You know, idle hands and all...

So, to all my friends

across the pond In England and Ireland

In Australia

In Canada and India

In Poland

In New York

Oklahoma and Kansas

Texas

and right here in Michigan

Thank you.

You make blogging rad.

Yes you do.

January. I love you. Yes I do.

2010-12-28T17:50:00.002-05:00

January is a pretty big month for me. Even though January is snowy and freezing and crappy, and makes me incredibly stabby, it is my favorite month of the year. In January, I have ~~a WHOLE year of possible screw ups ahead of me~~ a fresh start. A clean slate, if you will. And I will.

In January, I can put behind me the fact that dirty dishes sat in the sink overnight. Every night. (sometimes longer if the hubby and I are trying to see how long it will take the other person to do them, which happens more than I would like to admit.)

I can get past my decision to send my son to school on a day he had a sore throat (and probably should've stayed home) because I needed some quiet time. Mother of the Year here. Nice to meet you.

I can put out of my mind all of the MANY, MANY, MA-HENY, typos, spelling errors, incorrect punctuation, over-usage of parentheses and other goofs I make repeatedly on this very blog. (SORRY)

I can let go of all the petty grievances that I have been holding onto from the previous year. Forgive people who have wronged me and love my enemies*.

Ahh, January. You are ripe with possibilities. Like a good banana, but I digress.

In January there are so many new chances to make a fool of myself, say the wrong thing, wear the wrong thing, and eat the wrong thing.

Believe me, I NEVER let these chances pass. I'm awesome like that. After all, what does it say up there? NO MISSED OPPORTUNITIES? Oh yeah. I live it people. I totally live my blog title. I'm not just blowing smoke up your ass with that fancy pants title. I am the REAL DEAL. Or something.

In January, I also have these things to look forward too:

My 1st blogiversary (January 5th) I've been doing this a year? Nice.

My 5th wedding anniversary. (January 12th) The big oh-five. Seems like five-oh. In a good way, of course.

My hubby, mother-in-law, and grandfather's birthday (January 15th) All on the same day. Whew, busy day.

and last but certainly not least...

My third 30th birthday. Unless you want ~~to be a dick~~ get all technical, in which case I guess you can call it my 32nd birthday. But you don't want to ~~be a dick~~ get technical do ya? DO YOU?

I thought not.

I love me some January. I just wish I could love it in Bali, or Tahiti, or Hawaii, but I guess for now, Michigan will do.

Fingers crossed that I win the lottery or find my dad and he is some wealthy powerful business magnate and I am the heir to a vast dill pickle fortune or something. (Cuz, lets be honest, IF my dad is a big name in the business world it's more likely he is a VLASIC (pickles) rather than say, a HILTON (hotels) or a FORD (cars).) Whatever. It's cool with me. I'll be a Vlasic. Katie Vlasic. Has a certain ring, no?

Daddy?!

So, happy New Year to all of you lovely people.

Thank you very much for following and commenting.

Without you, I would just be talking to myself (as per usual). Well, to myself and my brother, who only reads this blog out of brotherly guilt, I'm sure of it.

Many of you have become my friends and I am so grateful that blogging has led me to people I would never know just walking around in this small northern Michigan town.

I wouldn't trade that in for all the do-overs in the world.

What kind of possibilities does 2011 hold for you?

*this is not gonna happen.

Silent night. Lousy morning.

2010-12-20T20:30:00.009-05:00

Last night, I was coughing and coughing and coughing and could not stop. Shortly after the coughing attack ended, I lost my voice (seemingly, a Christmas miracle to my husband) Try as I might, I could not get my vocal cords to form sounds. And boy did I try.

This morning, on my way to drop my son off at school, I decided to treat myself to a coffee from McDonald's (any size is $1. Great marketing.)

Now, separately these two occurrences would make for a pretty lame blog post, but put them together and POOF! Instant blog fodder.

So, we pull up in the drive through and I have my son give my order at the little microphone thingy,

"ONELARGEcoffeeFORmymompleaseshelost

hervoiceandthatswhyIgettoorderFORHERisn't
THATcool?!"

My order was processed we were directed to the next window to pay and pick up the coffee.

At the window, I hand the lady my $1.06 and as I am doing so, I see through the window to the front counter. I am a little surprised that at 7am McDonald's is so busy. There are about 15 people standing at the counter.

The lady hands me my coffee, I mouth the words thank you and I pull the coffee through my window. As I pull the cup in, I hit the steering wheel with it, knocking the cup out of my hands and into my lap. Miraculously the lid stays on, but scalding hot coffee is leaking through the tiny hole in the lid directly into my lap.
So I scream "BALLLLLSAAAACK!!!" (as you do) and my voice is carried- as if on angels wings- through the open window, directly into the ears of the people standing at the counter who all turn and look at the crazy lady screaming private parts at the drive through window.

I wish that I would have chosen a cooler expletive, and I would have, if I'd only known that my voice would choose that exact moment to make its triumphant return.

Ahh Monday. That'll be enough out of you.

ps. My son was SUPER excited to find out that you could use words for body parts as a swear (an early Christmas gift for him).

An Open Letter to The Sassy Curmudgeon

2010-12-17T17:04:00.004-05:00

Dear Sassy Curmudgeon,

I would first like to start by saying that I love your blog. Actually, I don't just love it. I luhve it. Probably in a creepy way. Let's just say that if your blog was a person, it would definitely have taken out a restraining order against me after catching me standing in the bushes outside his/her house, staring through a bathroom window at him/her. Again.

I am a ~~total~~ bit of a stalker. I am 99.9% sure that I have read every blog post you have ever written. That number is not 100% because my phone company is a total assbag sonofabitch and my data service is not wholly reliable so who the frak knows if it lets me load all your posts.) I am sure that you know what a lurker I am already due to stat checking. That "android operating system from Michigan" who visits 154 billion times a day? Yep. That's me.

I can't help myself. You are just too damn funny.

Here is some proof.

I DO NOT share my blog-life with my husband if I can help it, but I have had to wake him from a heavily snoring sleep on several occasions to make him read one of your posts. His reaction? "Ghugh?" Which means he thinks it's funny too. I'm pretty sure.

He has also been known to ask me to stop reading your posts on my phone in bed, as the combination of my weight and spasmic laughter shakes the bed- thus waking him, and he doesn't like to be pulled out of a good Megan Fox on Scarlett Johansson dream by what he thinks (in his drowsy x-rated stupor) are earthquakes.

The frickin' baby.

Anyhow, I have been wanting to nominate myself as your curmudgeon of the week for ages. However, I refrain from doing it because I don't feel as though I can ever meet the standards of some of the other true curmudgeons you have published.

You see, I am only half curmudgeonly.

The surly side of me:

Hates when people decorate their cars for Christmas. Don't put a wreath on your grill. Or I will put my fist in your face.
Is irate when people don't acknowledge me when I hold a door open for them. I never realized so many people were raised by wolves. Totally classless.
Can not STAND Christmas music before December. Actually I firmly believe Christmas music was made only for Christmas day. Maybe Christmas Eve if I am feeling especially generous. Which I am NOT this year.
Is furious when people tell me to "smile" because "Jesus loves me". (Not that I have a problem with smiling or Jesus. I just don't like people telling me what to do.) Nope. Now I'm gonna frown more out of spite.
Unfriends people on FB that make inspirational quotes their status updates. I do not need to hear uplifting words from the stoner that ate staples on a dare and dropped out of school in 10th grade. Or from anyone for that matter.
Can hold a grudge FO-EH-VAH. (Rachel Brenna gave me head lice when she made me try on her ugly brown headband in 1st grade which was 25 years ago. ~~Oh my God. 25 years ago?!?~~ She better hope we don't ever meet up in a dark alley. Also, screw her for making me realize that 1st grade was a quarter of a century ago.)

See? Curmudgeonly, no?

Except.

The other half could be described as a...
...as a...

Happy go lucky sponge.

I am basically one of those generally happy an open minded people but I also sometimes lack a backbone.

That half of me:

Has a revolting need to be liked by everyone. It kills me when I find out someone doesn't like me.This is a crappy situation because then I become recklessly nice, which just makes that person dislike me even more.
Says things like "Alrighty then, buh bye now." when I end phone conversations.
Strives for the approval of my mother in law at any cost. EVEN spending whole days with her without her son around to mediate our conversations. A dangerous situation for both her well being and mine. I do it though, because God forbid she doesn't think I piss glitter.
Follows most rules placed by society no matter how inane they are and gets mad at people who don't do the same. The scoundrels.
Still actively listens to the Spice Girls, Hanson, and Vanilla Ice. On purpose.
Gives people wildly inappropriate and often embarrassing nicknames such as: Poodle, Pudding, Meow Meow, Lambie Pie, Picklebottom and worse...

I could go on and on here with the annoying stuff that nice Katie does, but I believe you get the point.

Just when it looks as if one side is about to win out over the other, the opposite side steps in and does something rash like:

Curmudgeon Katie - collecting every cheese wrapper that my husband can't manage to throw away -even though the garbage can is about 6 inches from where he left the wrapper- and stuffing them all into his pillow case and under the sheets on his side of the bed.

Winsome Katie - baking cookies or bringing in the mail for the next door neighbor (whom I hate with a passion) after her ~~flavor of the week~~ boyfriend breaks up with her.

As you can see, I am torn. Both these personality traits are there just bumping into each other and keeping me from being more one than the other. It's obnoxious really.

I would very much like to be considered for your Curmudgeon of the week spotlight, even though I am not all curmudgeon. All the time.
Not that I have the audacity to ask you to make a special exception for me, but if I did have the audacity, I would probably come up with some categories that you could place me in if you were so inclined.

Curmudgeon Lite

Good Girls Gone Bad-ish

Wholesome Midwesterner/Semi Badass

Princess Be-otch

I'm just saying, is all.

Let me know what you think, ok Poopsiedoodlekins**?

Alrighty then. Buh bye now.

A fan~~atic~~,

Katie

**If this heartfelt letter doesn't convince you to let me be your COTW, and you would rather go the bribery route, I would be willing to send you...

Chocolate Covered Potato Chips.
Whatever. I'm not too proud.

*All images courtesy of GOOGLE

I love...

2010-12-15T08:32:00.002-05:00

...when my big, manly, camo-wearing husband orders frufru drinks like candy cane cocoa.

Ahh. The little things.

Blogging for cold hard cash (?!)

2010-12-13T10:03:00.001-05:00

Well, today was the day that I was going to publish my vlog. Unfortunately, due to a poorly timed stomach bug (aren't they all?) and my complete and utter lack of knowledge of what the kids are calling "YouTube", more specifically uploading to YouTube, I will not be posting my vlog this morning. Not to worry, though. I have secured a pre-teen to help me do this later today. Pre-teen has even agreed to help me edit my vlog, if need be. So... score. Right?
Sooooo, since I will not be vlogging for you all today I'm going to do the next best thing:
~~hand out cash~~
~~hand out chocolate~~

~~make out with Jason Statham~~

ask you a question.

Q: Where do you fall on making money with your blog? Are you for or against? Do you ultimately want to collect for your efforts or do you think making money from your blog would be selling out?

(it only counts as one question of they're all related and all squished together like that. It's a federal law.)

I personally never thought too much about making money by blogging. Though if I had to choose a side, I would say that I landed on the selling out side of the argument. That was until yesterday, when I came across a discussion (On AMB) about just how much can be made... When I saw the amount, it's possible that my feelings changed. I don't know. I haven't decided.

So tell me. What are your thoughts on monetary gain via blogging?

Looking for my dad. A repost

2010-12-07T16:10:00.004-05:00

I posted this a while ago when I was actively searching for my biological father. I had a dream last night I found him and he was looked a lot like Colonel Sanders. That would explain my ~~obsession~~ slight interest with fried chicken and secret spice mixes...

Daddy??

Anyway, for those of you that are new here, I am looking for my dad. Here is just one of my lists of father possibilities. (I have many.)

As it turns out, the person I found on Facebook who might have been my father sadly is not. This person who was an exact name match (and we are not talking a name that many people would have) turned out to be a 33 year old dark, gorgeous Italian American gentleman.
He was nice enough to respond to my crazy private message and for that I think he will be my honorary father. In his reply did he not say,

" Ok freak, you listen and listen good. I am not your father. I suggest you stop being so crazy and leave me alone!"

What he did say was

" Hi Katie. I am sorry to say that I am not your father because in 1979 I was two years old and living in Southern California. I wish I could have helped you more. Good luck in your search" Sincerely, Name Matcher Guy

Which left me sad in a way but happy too because my would be father then sent me a friend request. I can not wait to see how my mom reacts when she sees that name in my list of friends. Heart Attack!

I guess I will just go back to my old list of 'father' possibilities. The partial list follows.
Thank you to Google images for the help with photos.

Steve Martin -My mom said that my father had salt & pepper hair. Steve-ahem- dad does too. Plus, he's funny and when I try to be funny my mother has been known to say,
"Who do you think you are? Steve Martin?"
Coincidence? I think not. (Also, the next time she says this, my reply will be: Yeah. I do. At least half.)

This seems about right

Terry O'Quinn (you may know him as John Locke on Lost) - If he were my dad then I could be in Hawaii right now schmoozing with the cast of the greatest show ever. Oh, that would be like winning the biological lottery!

My Dad is a super snappy dresser. I helped him pick out that shirt.

Bill Clinton- Seriously, he could be ANYONE'S father. He is a known ladies man. Can't rule him out.

Hmm... Was I in Detroit in 1978?

Bill Gates- He fits none of the criteria my mother gave me but he is Bill Frickin' Gate$. For this reason, lets just add Warren Buffett too the list also. For funzies. Dolla Dolla billz ya'll!

This seems about right too. I had this EXACT same hair cut in my mug shots!

Daddy Warren in a time out for forgetting 31 of my birthdays.

Last But not least Jimmy Buffett. That would just be cool. Big ol' party in Margaritaville!!

Silly glasses dad! Who do you think you are? Steve Martin?

The Search continues...

In which I prepare to get a puppeh. And recommend a GREAT read.

2010-11-29T10:18:00.002-05:00

I have spent the last week and a half preparing for the big event. Which event?
The one where I bring home our
(upbeat game show music here)

BRAND NEW PUPPY!!

This is a major event for us because we- my husband and I, tend to be dreamers and not actually do-ers.
I am fairly sure that when my husband ok'd a family dog**, he didn't think I would actually find one.

**I would like to note here that when I first typed the word dog in the previous sentence, I accidentally typed dong- which has nothing to do with this story but is hilarious to my prepubescent brain**
Anywho, moving on...

So, I wanted an Irish Wolfhound.
He wanted not an Irish Wolfhound
I said BIG
He said SMALL

He ended up getting what he wanted. NOT BECAUSE I was like, listening to him or anything. Because the dog that I fell in love with just HAPPENS to be small. Seriously. That's the way it happened.

Sooo.. I have been terribly busy ~~eating leftover turkey~~ preparing our house for it's newest member, Sophie, (miniature Schnauzer/Tibetan terrier mix- thank you for asking) and have kinda been neglecting the ol' blog.
But, I DID finish my VLOG and I will post that gem (ahem) very soon.

Until then, please go read about Glen's Day of Christmas Shopping.You will DIE laughing. SERIOUSLY, DIE! But in a good way. You don't have to take my word for it, but he is published author, so you better go read it before the fame goes to his head and he forgets all about us little people.

You didn't think I'd talk about a puppy and then NOT post a picture did you?

We did it...

2010-11-23T17:12:00.001-05:00

...and by we, I mean you.

You wonderful, crazy, beautiful, mustachioed people did it.

You put me over 100 followers. You lot never fail to exceed my expectations.

Thank You!
ThankyouthankyouthankyouthankYOU!

As promised, I will be posting a vlog here very soon. I am waiting on a couple of things.
First and foremost, Grandmas moh-neh. She's good for it ~~I ran a credit check~~ but now that I know it's coming, I'm getting impatient waiting on my Cap'n Crunch.

Now, I am going to ask you for your help once again. In case my idea for this vlog turns out to be not nearly as awesome as I think it will be, (for example, like me through most of the early and mid- nineties. See photo)

I thought this was the look to attract boys. Me 1992.

It's a good thing this picture is blurry. Viewing it at full strength would burn your retinas.

I need a back up plan. This plan consists of answering questions that you have sent me. This will help in two ways.

1. You will have contributed to my fail-safe back up plan, and that will make you feel good about yourself.*
2. I get to pretend that I am a famous celebrity answering questions on a special episode of Barbara Walters, which has been a dream of mine ~~since I thought of it ten seconds ago~~ forever. *It will. I swear.

Sound good? Good.

Questions are acceptable from any topic. Though I would not ask me for any kind of investment advice (I am so confused by the stock market.), because I know when it comes time to decide what to do with your hard earned cash, you automatically think of me. It happens.

So...send me ~~money~~ questions. M'kay?

If I don't answer them in my first vlog(see above), I will put them in my 2nd.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find all physical copies of this picture and burn them.

Oh dear Lord, she's gonna Vlog!

2010-11-19T09:59:00.004-05:00

Okay class. Simmer down now. Simmmmer.

Now then. I have a couple of things for you today.

First, welcome new followers. You wonderful souls have brought my follower count to 97. Ninety-freakin-seven! That is a great number considering I was POSITIVE that only my mother would be (pretending) to read this blog on a regular basis. So thank you. Thahnkyehvehrymuchah. (Did that read 'Elvisy'? That's what I was going for) Even if, just like my mother, you are only pretending to enjoy this. I appreciate each and every one of your 97 pea pickin' hearts.

In the interest of full disclosure, you should know that my Grandma has told me that when I hit 100 followers, she will give me five dollars. Five Dollars!! I have my eye on a box of Cap'n Crunch and if I acquire that money, I can get that instead of the cheapo Walmart brand which I usually get that is a tad more budget friendly, but gets soggier quicker. Now, I don't want to sound petty, but refer a friend or something would ya? We're talking Cap'n CRUNCH here folks.

(Note to grandma- this $5 is in addition to the five you send in my birthday card right? RIGHT?)

Ahem. Ok. So, if you can help me get to a hundred followers, not only will the Captain and I share some quality time during breakfast, but you will also make an old lady happy.* Who doesn't want to make an old lady happy? No one! The answer is no one. ~~hint hint~~.
Grandma aside, when I get to 100 followers, I will celebrate by doing my first ever ...VLOG. Yep. Pinkie promise.

I don't know about you, but I LOVE watching vlogs. Seeing my favorite bloggers and hearing their voice is such a cool thing. Especially when said bloggers are not American and they have kick-ass cool accents. (Looking at you, Aussies) it's nice to see the real people behind the blog. Am I right?

So I have decided that I too will throw my hat into the vlogging arena so you can hear my wicked cool American/Michigan accent (read: not cool in any way) and see the real Katie that is behind this hot mess of a blog.

To recap:

3 more followers needed
5 dollars to be gained
Cap'n crunch to be eaten
One happy old lady
And...
A vlog of little old moi

It's a win/win/win/win/win**
Aaaaaaaand GO!!

*sending $5 bills to me makes Grandma happy. I know. Shes been doing it for me since 1983. She must love it.
**unless you hate blog following, money, cereal, the elderly, and video blogging.

Tag Time

2010-11-17T12:27:00.000-05:00

My last post was kind of a bummer, so I decided to put on my ~~granny panties~~ big girl pants and write something not depressing. Thankfully, my friend Liz came to my rescue and gave me a topic. I really appreciate that because quite honestly, I don't have a non-depressing post in me right now.
She's awesome. Thanks Liz.

Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Paste these rules on your blog post.

3. Respond to the following prompts (in bold).

4. Add a prompt of your own and answer it.

5. Tag a few other bloggers at the bottom of the post.

6. Leave "Tagged You" notices on their blog/Facebook.

7. Let the person who tagged you know when you've written the post.
------------------------------------------------------------

1) The best investment you ever made:
My van. It makes me feel old but I love it so very much.

2) If you could’ve written any book, directed any movie, and composed any song, which three would you pick:

Book: The Harry Potter series. Why? Because JK Rowling has more money than the Queen.

Movie: Drop Dead Fred, because it would embarrass my mother to have to tell people that is what I accomplished in my life when her friends ask about how her children are doing.
Song: Flightless Bird by Iron & Wine. I just love that song.

3) Weirdest quirk:
When I leave a hotel room, I strip the beds, consolidate the garbage, clean out the coffee pot and basically do everything I can to help the person who cleans my room. It drives my husband CRAZY but I have cleaned hotel rooms and I know that doing those things for the attendant will make their day.

Oh, and I HATE hate hate to talk on the phone. I always have.The only place I do it on purpose is at work. Because they pay me to do so. Thank God for texting.

4) One wish immediately granted:

New wardrobe.

5) Most expensive hobby:

Reading. I go through a lot of books.

6) An inexhaustible gift-card at which store:

A kids clothing store. My kid is bleeding me dry with all that growing. Ack!

7) In another lifetime, you’d be:

A radio personality.

8) The most famous/interesting member of your family tree:

My Godfather, Uncle Joe. No one is sure of what he does for the U.S. government, but he makes a ton of money and is very secretive. I think if I came out and just asked him what he does for a living, the answer would be, " I"ll tell you, but then I have to kill you." Honestly.

9) What would you say to your teenage self?

Grunge. Not a good look for you. Or anyone. Except Eddie Vedder.

10) What do you want to be when you grow up?

RICHER THAN THE QUEEN!!

11) Proudest moment?

Not passing out after seeing my epidural needle. I NEVER needed to see that thing. In fact, I told the doctor to make sure the anesthesiologist snuck up on me because I would freak out if I knew it was coming.
I did freak out, but I didn't pass out.

I hereby tag:
Litany of Brittainy

And my Michigan Gals:
Rattling of the Brain
Diapers and Dragons
Life with the Dietrichs

Roxana

2010-11-16T18:08:00.001-05:00

I have been feeling a bit out of sorts for the last few days.

Normally, I really like life.

Normally, I smile. I Laugh. I Engage with my fellow man.

Normally, I don’t feel like the world has let me down.

Today I feel just that.

A few days ago, I found out that a woman I once worked with passed away after a long battle with liver cancer. I had heard she was sick last year but never called her to tell her that I was thinking of her.
Why? What was I doing that was so important that I couldn't take a minute and just say hi? She would've called me every day if the tables were turned.

Even though we only worked together, she felt like a member of my family. Like the wonderful Aunt that you can trust with all your secrets. The one you can ask for advice and actually take it. The one who makes you feel loved even when you deserve it the least. That was Roxana.

Roxana was from Costa Rica and moved to Northern Michigan after meeting and marrying an American High School Spanish teacher. (Which in itself in another completely romantic love-story in itself)

I met her for the first time in 1999. I will never forget that meeting. She said, “My name is Roxana. I can tell by your smile that we are going to become very good friends.” She spoke English beautifully and her accent stayed in my head long after that conversation ended.

We did become very good friends. She was unlike any person I’d ever met in that she never had an unkind word to say to or about anyone. Ever. Even to those who certainly deserved it.

Her smile was beautiful and steadfast. Her laugh was infectious.

She was a hugger. A toucher. She believed in the importance of human connection. She always touched your arm or hand or shoulder as she spoke to you. She touched your heart long after.

There is so much about her that I love. There are so many lessons that she taught me. There are countless other things about her that deserve to be remembered here, but my heart is broken and my little words can never accomplish the task of honoring her life the way it deserves to be.

I find it hard to understand the world and the reason for the passing of the liveliest person I have ever met.

I've heard the sayings many times.

Life is not always fair.

and

Death is a part of life.

So true.

So horribly true.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________
By the way. I am looking for a new commenting system for this blog. I would love to be able to get back to each and every one of you that take the time to leave a comment here. I appreciate that you do. I am trying my best but I have been terrible at getting back to people (I'm looking at you especially, Ratz- Sorry). Please know that I do take the time to read each and every comment I get and as soon as I can find a better way to be able to respond to each one I will be implementing it here.

Almond Joy Candy Bar/0 - Katie/1 (I'm winning!)

2010-11-10T16:57:00.007-05:00

As many of you know, for the last month or so, I have been working on changing my death by cardiac arrest ensuring lifestyle into a don't be an unhealthy fatty forever type of lifestyle.
It's been going relatively well. As yet, I have not hit any large scary snafus.

This is not to say that I haven't had a bit of a hiccup in the plan now and again (Almond joy candy bar- how can I resist that? I can't. Not yet. That being said, I only had one as opposed to one bag full as the old me would have done and not given it another thought.)

I still sometimes make a poor decision about what I put in my mouth (insert dirty joke here -pervert) ahem, I mean where food choices are concerned. But slowly, ever so slowly, I make more and more good choices about what I eat.

I have dieted countless times in my life. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't but one thing remains true about all the diets I have ever been on. I WASN'T READY for them: I wasn't ready to make a change in not just my diet, but my life. Until I was mentally, physically, and emotionally ready (like I am now) those diets were doomed to fail. And fail they did. And with pizazz. Over and over again.

I read this post The Accidental Addict over at Good Golly Miss Holly. It's a great post and it got me thinking about my addictions to food. I constantly use food to feed my feelings.

Sad? Cupcakes will make me happy! (through the first bite)

Angry? A great big bowl of Cap'n Crunch will cheer me up. (Until my jaws hurt from chewing)

Jealous? A candy bar and a huge glass of Coke will pacify the jealous streak! (Until both are gone and I feel worse about being such a glutton in the first place. Then I feel worthless because of what I've eaten, then guess what? I have another emotion to throw food at. It is an ugly, never ending cycle)

I have learned to allow myself to actually FEEL my emotions instead of trying to diminish them with calories.
I have learned its okay to be sad, angry and jealous. Now I feel what I need to feel, deal with the emotion and move on. Like a healthy person.

Like the healthier person I am learning to become.

I update the tab up top less weight = more Kate every Tuesday after I weigh in - if you would like to keep up with my journey.

If you have changed your lifestyle and would like to record your success here, please let me know. I would love to have a group of people here to support each other.

I would love to hear your stories about weight loss and the lessons you've learned that have made a big difference in the quest for weight loss or better health.

Also, go visit Lucy and link to her FAT TO FIT blog hop.

Sunday Spotlight - Mandi

2010-11-07T06:00:00.012-05:00

I'm super excited about the blogger in the spotlight today. Mandi is one of the very few people I know in real life that read this blog. I have known Mandi for going on 16 years. We went to high school together. Mandi is one of the nicest people I have ever met. What always struck me about her was her relationship with her family they really seemed to not only love each other, but like each other as well (this concept was hard for me to wrap my head around at the time). Truth be told, I was a bit jealous that her family always seemed to get on so well. Currently, I am jealous of Mandi's SUPERMOMMY-NESS. Yes, that is a word. Visit her blog here. Oh, and leave her some comment love, will ya? Supermommies deserve lots-o-comment love, m'kay?
Did I mention she has 2 3 4 5 more than 5 kids? Yup. She sure does. She's an interesting and cool chick. Read on.

Take it away Mandi...

What is your Name-pseudonym-alias (whatever you feel comfortable sharing)?

My given name is Amanda, but the ONLY person who calls me that is my grandmother. Most people call me Mandi. My mom calls me Ramada, but that's an entirely different story....

What is the name of your blog?
Thoughts by Me
http://www.kurtzrus.blogspot.com/

How Long have you been blogging?

I've been blogging since January of 2005....five years?!?!??! No way....

Tell me about how and why you chose your blogs name.

Well, it's thoughts....by me....I know, totally original right?

What is special about your blog? Do you have regular features, contests, or other fun things that are special or unique? What do you do at your blog that could be considered your 'signature'?

I would love to do contests or fun things, but I don't have a very large readership. Lately, it feels like my signature is my lack of blogging!

Why do you blog?

I started my blog as a way to share my life with myself. I love journaling and this was just an extension of that. Only anyone on the Internet could read it. That's been both a wonderful and horrible thing!

What do you love most about blogging? Pet peeve?

I love being able to write whatever I am thinking and feeling. There have been times when that has stirred up quite the controversy!! It annoys me when people just leave comments to insult what you've written or to instigate problems. Hey people, you don't like it, DON'T READ IT!!!!

Any tips or tricks you'd like to share?

No I think blogging is different for everyone. People do it for lots of different reasons. I blog about my life. Sometimes it's exciting (like when my husband ran out to get me something from the car and ended up delivering the neighbor's baby!) and sometimes it's dull (like where I just ramble about poopy diapers and eating half a pan of brownies.) But I write for me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE when people read it and comment. Some people have told me that things I have written have touched them and that has touched me. But mostly, it's just my ramblings to preserve for as long as there is an Internet.

Name a blog or two that you read regularly.

Well of course No Missed Opportunities. I also love Rainy Day in May , Yes They are All Mine and I Should Be Folding Laundry .

What do you look for in the blogs you choose to read? What grabs your attention and holds it?

I tend to look for other mommy blogs....especially ones who have more kids than I do, which is tougher than you might think! I also love blogs that are real, real people living real life.

Tell me something. Anything that I need to know about you as a blogger, as a mother, human... whatever you'd like to share.

I am a mom, to 6 kids. That may sound like a lot, but it's not too much. I mean, at least it's not 19...right??? I adore my kids and my husband and I am honored to stay at home and raise them (yes, my husband is included in that). I try to keep it honest which means that sometime what I write is rather raw, but if we can't be real, what's it all for anyway?

Mandi rocks. Don't ya think?

Manners? What's a manners?

2010-11-06T17:54:00.003-04:00

I originally posted this early this year. However, I believe that the message is timeless. People need to learn how to be-frickin'-have.

I am aggravated that people don't know how to behave anymore. Here are some examples:

*A customer burped while I was processing her sale. You read that correctly. SHE BURPED. Granted, the burp was bad but add to it that she didn't ask to be excused. She didn't even have the common decency to look even a little bit embarrassed or sorry either. She should have.I would even go as far as saying that seemed a bit proud of the volume and resonance of that particular burp. It was completely trashy.
(I am aware that a burp is a compliment in some areas of the world. This is not one of those areas.)

*People do not know the appropriate time or place to have personal cell phone conversations.
Firstly, just because you can talk to someone when you are in a stall in a public bathroom doesn't mean you should. If you are my friend and call me (or answer a call from me) while you are doing your potty business, I am going to rethink our friendship. Yes- we share things. Bowel/bladder elimination is NOT one of them.
Secondly, if you are not sure if you should be having a conversation in public ask yourself this: Would I be comfortable saying these things with the aid of a bullhorn in a crowded church or during an assembly at an elementary school? If the answer is no, then your conversation is not suitable for public consumption.

*Over sharing in general.Usually, when I am grocery shopping, I run into someone I have met once or twice in passing or possibly someone I have waited on in the store. I sometimes feel that I must just have a look about me that screams to people,

"STRANGERS?! Please! Come tell me your deepest, darkest secrets. Tell me about your foreclosure - about your athletes foot-about your attempts to cure halitosis (not working btw) - about your messy divorce and the pictures your soon-to-be ex texted to your former nanny - about your kids who got caught doing something dirty on the principals car during lunch. Tell me everything. The fact that I don't know you from Adam means nothing. JUST SHARE!!"

Yes. My face screams all of that. Well, maybe my face and my body language are working together.
Either way, as far as I'm concerned, If they are only a passing acquaintances of mine, they should only be talking to me about the weather. Unless they are going to rave about the snow, and if that's the case, they just need to keep walking.

Doctor's get paid to listen to health problems, therapists get paid to listen to stories of emotional trauma, and their mother or father is just a phone call away for everything else. I just hope they don't place those calls from the bathroom stall next to mine.

Do I need to start putting people under citizen's arrest? 'Cuz I will.

Today I blog from Australia. Kind of.

2010-11-03T18:29:00.001-04:00

I've been driving my husband absolutely crazy. (Even more than usual.)
Why?
Lori in Australia thinks I'm a awesome.* That's why.
Hey! Don't laugh. I'm serious.
Go see for yourself.
Lori's Blog -Random Ramblings of a Stay at home Mum

*as it turns out, it is quite possible that the Aussie definition of awesome is crazy.
...But in a good way, right? RIGHT?

Forecast calls for snow. I call for Vodka.

2010-11-01T10:20:00.001-04:00

It's that time of year again. The time of year that I sink into a deep dark depression and continually fantasize about living somewhere tropical. The time of year that I regularly look out the windows and say, with SOUL CRUSHING ANGUISH, "Are you kidding me? Snow again?! How original." (The same can be said for that phrase. I say it probably 782,258.211,220 times a winter)

Ick. Winter is upon us here in Northern Michigan. In fact, I have been so despondent about the inevitable arrival of that crappy white stuff, I have neglected not only my blog, but my life in general. My son's pumpkin sits on our porch-still uncarved. I've been too busy taking winter-loathing naps that I completely forgot about having him carve it. Believe me, HE did not forget. He told me this morning that he is going to carve a Christmas tree into it. See. Now it works for two holidays. You're welcome son.

If you love snow and don't like to hear people bad mouth it (and oh, am I gonna bad mouth it!!), you may want to return here in June. I should be out of my funk by then. That all depends on Mother Nature.
You have been warned.
Otherwise, feel free to come here and rip winter a new one. Misery loves company.

Sunday Spotlight - Glen

2010-10-24T12:00:00.002-04:00

So, I'm pretty excited about this Sunday Spotlight.
Not only is it the first, but one of my favorite bloggers is up.
Honestly, if you're not reading Glen's Life, you are missing out on something very special indeed! Not the least of which is his alter-ego, the often cringe-worthy Breeze Van Santo! (Go look. Trust me.)

I asked Glen some questions so we could get to know him a bit better. It's so great to get to know the real people behind our favorite blogs!

Take it away Glen...

What is your Name-pseudonym-alias (whatever you feel comfortable sharing)?

Glen when I’m feeling myself, Breeze when I’m feeling someone else.

What is the name of your blog?

Glen's Life http://www.glenslife.com/

How Long have you been blogging?

18 months

Tell me about how and why you chose the name of your blog.

I assumed the World would sit up and pay attention once it knew it was about my life – I truly did think that I was that important!

Why do you blog?

Because I love it. At first I actually believed the Google hype that I would make a fortune through advertising, so I figured I could exercise my brain while getting rich. Once that bubble had burst I found that I didn’t want to stop, that I needed it too much. Writing my blog is my “me” thing. Pretty much my whole life is spent being a parent, a husband or an employee, I’d lost somebody – Blogging found him again.

What do you love most about blogging? Pet peeve?

I love the freedom that escaping into your own head provides.I love that when I start to write a moaning piece about something that has annoyed me it almost always makes me think and see the other side of the problem so I cheer up and think it wasn't so bad after all. Writing about the crap things around me has made realise how lucky I actually am, and that is a pretty brilliant feeling.

I hate the silence when you have written a post no one is bothered about, but that you thought was good. I also hate “Nice blog – here is my link” AAGGGHHH!

Any tips or tricks you'd like to share?

Decide what is important to you, readers or followers, and work to that. Stay true to yourself and just write what you actually believe, rather than copying what other people think. If you are not planning on getting a divorce, don’t let your partner read the posts before you publish them, and NEVER look into their eyes when you ask them if they thought your latest post was good, help them out by looking away.

Name a blog or two that you read regularly.

NMO obviously – Butts and Ashes religiously (http://buttsandashes.blogspot.com/ ), The Fallen Monkey (http://thefallenmonkey.com/ ), Vienna for Dummies (http://phillipprideaux.blogspot.com/) and JoBart (http://bsouth.wordpress.com/ ). There are plenty more but I’ve just realised that I’m not talking about me anymore and lost interest…

Tell me something, anything, that I need to know about you as a blogger, as a mother, father, human... whatever you'd like to share.

I am rubbish at telling jokes. I genuinely think I still have a chance of getting together with Sandra Bullock. I can never answer questions about myself seriously. I think this is because I battle against self doubt and a lack of confidence every single day. By diving head first into situations and forcing myself out of my comfort zone, by writing a blog which requires far more self belief than I will ever have, I dodge facing the reality of how irrelevant I might actually be. I also went to the doctors today wearing clear plastic shorts; the doctor informed me that he could clearly see that I am mad. No I’ve got that wrong haven’t I? There were these two nuns with some shower gel, no wait…

Life is too serious not to laugh at it.

Ok, so he may be right about the jokes, but Glen is an incredible writer and absolutely one of my favorites. Show him some love here and go check him out. You will not be disappointed!

Pans of brownies no longer live in fear.

2010-10-20T10:18:00.002-04:00

So, I don't want to brag or anything, but I just wanted to let you know that I have lost 2 pounds this past week.
I am pretty proud of myself and things are going well. Normally, by now, my body has revolted against my trying to be healthy, my willpower has turned to mush and I eat an entire party size bag of peanut m&m's. Oh no friends. Uh uh. Not me.
NOT THIS TIME!

My son's birthday party is tonight and I have already put a plan into place about how I am going to deal with the cake (small piece, large glass of water before hand), because let's be honest: If I don't, I will scare the little children by first whispering sweet nothings to that frosted yumminess, then embarrass myself by shoving my face directly into it. I can't have that crap ending up on YouTube -you know it would- my nieces and nephews are just waiting for that to happen (shockingly, it hasn't happened before now).
Again- NOT TODAY!

I added a page up top there called "Less Weight = More Kate" ( I know. I am a master of the English language.) I will be posting weekly updates about how my big healthy lifestyle change is going. In case you care. But please care. This blog is keeping me honest.

With any luck, tomorrow afternoon I will NOT be the next YouTube sensation with "Crazy Aunt Katie Murders a Birthday cake".

Sunday Spotlight

2010-10-18T11:03:00.003-04:00

I'd like to introduce a new feature here on NMO. I'm calling it the Sunday spotlight. Every Sunday, I will feature a different blogger to learn a little bit more about them and their blog. If you would like to be in the Sunday spotlight, I will ask you simple questions such as the following:

What is your Name-pseudonym-alias (whatever you feel comfortable sharing)?

What is the name of your blog (and url)

How Long have you been blogging?

Tell me about how and why you chose your blogs name.

Why do you blog?

What do you love most about blogging? Pet peeve?

What do you do at your blog that could be considered your 'signature'?

Any tips or tricks you'd like to share?

Name a blog or two that you read regularly.

Tell me something, anything that I need to know about you as a blogger, as a mother, father, human... whatever you'd like to share.

That said, I was going to put myself in the first Sunday Spotlight but that just seems completely narcissistic, like how Oprah puts herself on the cover of every Oprah Magazine. So let me know. Would YOU like to be in the first Sunday Spotlight?

Another year

2010-10-17T09:48:00.001-04:00

It's been another year.

Would you still live in Detroit-doing the job that you loved so much? Would you still be serving and protecting the public at large had the unthinkable not happened?

Would you have gotten married and had some children? Would your child have played with mine? Would they be friends like we were?

Would you vacation "up north" and visit me in your old home town? Would you tell me stories about the big city that I wouldn't believe? Would you come home for Thanksgiving dinner with your parents and sister?

It was just another day at work.
Just a "routine" traffic stop. Did it feel different? This stop would change,end, your life.

Were you scared? Did you suffer? How could that have happened? Why?

Would you be surrounded by friends and family today, celebrating your 32nd birthday, opening gifts and eating cake?

Did you know how much you meant to us when it was time for you to go?

I hope that you did know. That you always knew.

Happy Birthday Officer Fettig. I miss you.

A big fat surprise that isn't surprising at all.

2010-10-12T13:10:00.001-04:00

Last week, I told you about being mistaken (again) for a pregnant woman.
That day, I was pretty pissed off at the unmitigated audacity of the woman who pegged me as preggers.
Today I would like to track her down and apologize for damning her to the bowels of hell (In my mind. I hardly ever damn anyone to hell out loud save for a random damning of Bill O'Reilly and the like.)

This past weekend, my family and I headed to southern Michigan to celebrate my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. Family gathered from across the United States to ~~drink~~ honor my grandparents.

I was very excited to see aunts, uncles and cousins that I haven't seen since last year. Of course, one of my uncles felt the need to capture every moment on video. I avoided the video camera as much a possible but alas could not escape it entirely. Late that night we gathered around the TV to watch the video of ~~stuff that had JUST happened. Ugh. Why do people do this?~~ the party. I make my appearance about 3 minutes in. There is a close up of me. I am standing in a circle of family members, telling some story. I think to myself that my hair looks pretty good for having had to wash it with BAR SOAP in the hotel shower earlier that day.

I hate seeing myself on video. See, I am denial about what I really look like. In my head, I closely resemble Salma Hayek. Maybe Salma Hayek's prettier, blue eyed sister...

In real life, my famous person tie in would probably be chubby daughter of Kathy Bates.

Anyway, as the camera pans out and full length Katie is revealed, I am shocked and appalled.

HOLY HEAVENS WHO IS THAT HUMONGOUS WOMAN?!?!

Sadly, it's me.
No! Family! Do not watch this!!
They are all going to realize I'm fat! (as if they've never seen me)

I left the room and locked myself in the bathroom where I had a nice long cry and visited a grab bag of emotions. Disgust, defiance, sadness, hopelessness and disbelief- just to name a few. I did a lot of talking to myself in there. If those walls could talk, I would be writing this from my padded cell.
I sat there until the video was over.

The next day, we went to the Detroit Zoo.
I was determined to have a good time despite my leftover issues from the night before.
Of course, any family outing lends itself to scads of photo opportunities.
The plan was to be the one TAKING the pics- therefore not have my picture taken.
Epic fail.
Out of the 30 or so pictures that I am in, I only found one that I did not find completely embarrassing. Yesterday I posted it to my Facebook account. This morning I deleted it.
I am mortified.

When I got to work this morning, I called and made an appointment with a nutritionist, inquired about a gym membership, withdrew enough money from the bank to join Weight Watchers and reinstalled the 'couch to 5k app' on my phone that I deleted last week when I didn't feel like doing that anymore.

So, here are some pictures of the REAL me. Using all kinds of sneaky methods to try to "hide" my weight.

I don't want to be that person anymore.

It's time for a change.

Thank you lady who though I was pregnant. Your faux pas helped set that change in motion.

Mistaken identity or, the inability to ninja kick.

2010-09-28T18:52:00.004-04:00

So, it happened today.

Something so humiliating, so soul-crushing, so throwupinyourmouth-inducing that I can barely bring myself to think about it. (Blog about it,Yes. Absolutely. As you well know if you are a regular here, I don't think while I blog. So we're safe.)

Are you ready for it?

Today I was mistakenly identified again** as a pregnant woman.

If this has never happened to you, consider yourself lucky.
If it has-my condolences.

The crappy part of all of this is that I have no good comeback for this embarrassing situation. I pride myself on having witty comebacks for embarrassing situations. Take a gander of these beauties:

I know you are, but what am I?

Yo momma!

I'm rubber you're glue...blah blah ...sticks to you!

Oh yeah?

Your mother wears combat boots!

And when in a pinch, I have been known to use:

Whatever!*

*only to be used if you will never see the person you are saying it to again because this is absolutely NOT a good comeback. You both know it.

Ok, so I prided myself on having snappy, knife like retorts when I was 12 and not much has changed in my repertoire since then.
HOWEVER.
This situation demands a response.
Just looking at the person with a blank stare as a single tear rolls down your cheek is not enough.
I am always tempted to say, "you think I'm preggo huh? Then you will definitely not be expecting this... (perform a ninja-like kick directly to the persons sternum) from a pregnant lady!"
Except, I'm chubby, which is what got me into this mess in the first place, and can not deliver a kick that high.
So, you can see that that my retort has to be especially biting to make up for my lack of ability to kick people in the sternum.

Until I can find the perfect comeback for this, It will warm my chubby little heart and my plus sized soul to know that when I say "um...no" to people when they ask if I'm pregnant, they feel like total assbags for not knowing the rule that you NEVER ask that question. Never.

**this has now happened on 3 seperate occasions. Maybe I should take the hint.
And get pregnant.

Michigan Girls- Inspired by The Sassy Curmudgeon-Inspired by Katy Perry

2010-09-24T12:06:00.003-04:00

Not too long ago, The Sassy Curmudgeon who is brilliantly funny on a regular basis, was extra brilliant when she posted this gem (I'm not being ironic.) - an answer to Katy Perry's song California Gurls. I love her parody! Especially the Ed Kochy-Koch part. I laughed so hard I almost hyperventilated.

I have a love/hate relationships with songs that are specific to states. I kind of love them because I get a bit of a geography/pop culture lesson while listening to the radio. I hate them because more often than not, these songs are not about Michigan-and just so you don't think I am a complete narcissist-though you would be correct-I also feel bad for Delaware because there are no songs (that I am aware of) for them either.

Does everyone feel like this when they hear these types of songs? Is there someone sitting in Utah getting pissy because because no one has written "Sweet Home Utah" yet?
Maybe someone in Vermont is feeling a bit stabby because "Vermont iz where itz at" has not become a top 40 hit?
Probably.

And yes, Kid Rock did come up with a song called "All Summer Long" which is even better than a plain Michigan song because he is specifically talking about Northern Michigan which is EXACTLY where I live and he sings about places I have actually been to, but that is neither here nor there. Not enough. I WANT MORE.

Anyway, the point is that I felt that Michigan also needed a version of ~~California Gurls~~ Michigan Girls. So, here is your geography/Michigan pop culture ~~ear worm~~ lesson for the day.

To the tune of California Gurls by Katy Perry (der) but with some Motown flair, mkay?

I know a place
Where the snow is really deeper
Cold, warm then cold (again)
There must be something in the Great Lakes
Sippin' on some Faygo
Layin' underneath the pine trees
The boys
Break their banks
Try'na make their engines louder

You can travel the Midwest
but we are by far
the best builder of ca-ars
Two Pen-in-sul-as
We're the only state that has that

Mich-i-ganians
We are a wholesome bunch
dressed in layers
windbreaker on top
fake baked skin
so cold
we constantly have goosebumps
brrr brrr oh brr brrr

Mich-i-ganians
we are reliable
help you change the tire on your truck
Great Lakes State is rad
so put your mittens on
Ooh ohh

Sit on the beach (go quick)
we only get two months to do that
we hunt
white tail deer
Aretha Franklin on the stereo...

(and repeat, cuz you know you want to...)

Now before you all unfollow me enmasse, remember that I am not a songwriter. Hell, I am barely a writer writer. But I AM true to my state. You gotta respect that, right? Right?

Ok Delaware. You're up.

Confused = Me. And kinda ticked about it.

2010-09-18T19:01:00.002-04:00

OK. This is not really a post, but I just needed to say this and Twitter only lets me use 140 characters and I couldn't shorten this rant enough. My Facebook friends are not all privy to the fact that I have a blog.
Voila. Random rant for mah blog.

I started another blog over at Wordpress with the intention of eventually moving there forever. I really like how Wordpress blogs look and I especially like that they have mobile versions of blogs. I really appreciate that because that is how I do most of my blog reading.

Well, maybe it's just me but I can NOT figure Wordpress out. Every time I sign in I get confused and then angry and end up signing right back out.
Am I just too accustomed to Blogger settings? Is Blogger just better? Are we the only intelligent life in the universe? Who really killed John F. Kennedy? I may NEVER know. Thanks a lot Wordpress.

Well played Blogger.

Speaking to me softly

2010-09-11T00:01:00.002-04:00

I woke up early that morning to my clock radio and my favorite morning show DJ saying, "It appears that a passenger plane has hit the world trade center."
Those were the first sounds I heard that morning. I turned off the radio and got into the shower, wondering what kind of mistake a pilot could have made to put a plane into a building. I was sad thinking about all the people in the plane and wondered what kind of lawsuit the airlines was going to have on their hands.

I didn't quite understand.

September 11, 2001

I finished getting ready for work, got in the car and turned on the radio. The news was coming fast and furious.I only processed bits and pieces.
First plane...hit the tower....second plane....hit the second tower....burning...fire....smoke...rescue crews..terrorist attack...casualties...terrorist....

I don't remember that day as a whole. I remember it as individual moments.

I drove a main highway to work and saw cars just stopped on the side of the road-the people inside staring off into the distance. I didn't stop. I listened. I cried. I was scared. What was happening?
When I got to work, everyone was huddled around a small TV in the break room watching the increasingly horrific events unfold.

I called my mom. I told her I loved her.
I cried.
I called my husband. I cried more.
I cried all day.

We all did.

The store where I worked closed early and we were sent home. The store manager said,

"Be with your families. Sit with them. Hug them. The world as we know it has changed."

I don't believe I will ever forget how I felt the moment I heard those words leave his mouth.

I had to get gas to be able to make it home that day and when I pulled into the gas station I couldn't believe what I saw. Lines of cars ten deep or more at each pump. Mass hysteria about gas prices had set it. It took less than five hours.

When I got home, my husband and I huddled together on the couch to watch the news. We wanted to comfort each other but neither of us knew what to say.
We sat there for hours. We didn't want to watch it but we couldn't stop.
We didn't eat.
We couldn't sleep.
We watched as New York City filled with smoke and debris and tears. We watched as the towers fell. First one, then the other, from every angle imaginable.
We watched as people made their final heartbreaking decision and jumped to their death from their office windows on national television.
I vomited.
It was the first time I had heard the words Al Qaeda, but certainly not the last.

Planes stopped flying. I remember not seeing one- not wanting to see one for days.
When our airspace opened back up, it was strangely frightening to see them there again.

As they say, you never forget where you are and what you're doing when history happens.
I became an adult that day.

While I don't feel the sting of those moments with the same gut wrenching intensity as I did then, the memories of that day and the following hours, weeks and months are there today, speaking to me softly.

It'll be another 10 years to sort this mess out.

2010-09-03T19:51:00.000-04:00

After many, MANY years of pleading, cajoling, threatening, begging, crying, bartering (don't ask) and sometimes trickery-( ie. me asking as he is falling asleep). My husband has okay'd the purchase/adoption of a family dog.

This is the conversation we had about 13 seconds after he'd ~~given in~~ made this decision:

Me: We are definitely getting an Irish Wolfhound!

Him: Um... I was thinking something smaller.

Me: Fine. Great Dane.

Him: *Sigh*

Paris in the morning. And not in a good way.

2010-08-28T09:53:00.000-04:00

Forgive me.

I'm just gonna rant a bit today.

I wake up this morning and before getting out of bed, I check google news on my phone. (Naturally.) (Yes, I sleep with my phone. Well, technically I sleep ON my phone but that's only because during the night I do a lot of tossing and turning and... wait a minute, you don't actually care about that do you?)
Aaaanywho- what do I see?

Paris Hilton arrested for possession of cocaine in Las Vegas.

Read the "Story" at TMZ. (if you give a crap) I linked to TMZ there because the story Google gave me this morning was a mish-mash of stories about Paris from the last week or so. This one isn't much better.
Aah. Journalism at it's finest.

I HATE this for lots of reasons.

1. We ~~ever cared~~ still care about Paris Hilton?
2. THIS is what counts as breaking news? (and if so, I think we all need to take a serious look at what this world/country/journalism is coming to. I'm looking at you United States as a whole!)

3. Lets just say I did give a whooping funt about Paris Hilton. Wouldn't a more newsworthy headline be:

Paris Hilton surprisingly NOT in possession of cocaine.

I mean, maybe it's just me but I just automatically assume she's carrying cocaine at all times. She probably has a nuclear warhead with her at all times. She's an heiress with more money than brains. That's what they DO.

4. Apparently her wrist is getting hungry for some attention. At least the court system will give her a slap on it for this.

Damn you Paris for making me think about you first thing in the morning! She turns my stomach. I almost couldn't eat breakfast.
Almost.

*google images

WHAT just happened there?

2010-08-24T19:59:00.000-04:00

Ok, so... who's still with me? Anyone? Everyone? No one?

As you may or may not have noticed, my blog was temporarily out of service.
I don't know what happened and I don't know how it got fixed because it SURE AS HECK wasn't me.

A little play by play of blog happenings as of late:

One day, I (attempt-without success) to long into blogger.
I get a message that says basically, "We're sorry, but your sorry butt has not been invited to read this blog so kindly go away until you have been."
I curse. First, under my breath, then- out loud for God and everyone to hear.
I try again.
Same thing.
W.T.F?
(Repeat these steps over a two week period)
I cry. I sob. I laugh at how completely ridiculous the situation is.
I tweet about it.
I tweet about it more.
People start getting upset with the number of times I tweet, whining about my lost blog.
I realize that I am going to have to just Start a NEW BLOG.
More crying. (The snotty, sobbing type. Not the cute sniffling stuff)
On my way to Wordpress to start my new blog, (aka- Start from frickin' scratchareyoukiddingme?!?) I decide to give it ONE more try.
And guess what?
Well, you already know, seeing as how you are READING this.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccck!

I hope that anyone who saw the "you're not on the list- so go away" message- did not get offended and swear a blood oath never to read me again.
I would understand, of course, but I would definitely cry myself to sleep and all...

I guess I just wanted to say: Thank you Internet, for giving me my livelihood back.
I have missed it.

Things that make me go....WTF?!

2010-08-13T09:59:00.001-04:00

I was recently talking to one of my nonblogging 'friends' about blogging. Her curiosity was piqued when she found out that 'someone like me blogged' -direct quote. What the what?? Like Me? Does she mean someone so awesome? Someone with such a completely full social calander? An Aquarius?

For unknown reasons, probably because I am a nice person, I still agreed to talk to her even after that little backhanded compliment.

So she spent some time reading through some of my blog posts. She did not laugh once. Not a chuckle, not a giggle, not a smile. Nothing.

She would finish with a post and I would say, "so...what did you think?"
Her answer every time: Oh. Yeah. That was ...nice...

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

Anyway, seeing as how I wasnt getting much feedback from her, I stopped asking questions. Which is probably a good thing because knowing her, she was probably just too lazy to say, "That was total and utter crap. I demand you give me those wasted five minutes back!" wherein I fall on the floor and have a toddler style tantrum, followed by a ninja style kick to her face.

So, she continues to read, and I start seeing her smile. Of course, I'm excited because I try to write (I HOPE) things that would cause one to smile.

Reading. Smiling. Reading. Smiling. More Reading. More smiling.

I give her a few more minutes. You know, let rude girl enjoy herself reading my posts...

"OMG! This is SOOOOO funny!" (I know, best compliment ever, right?)

So, I go over and peer over her shoulder, patting myself on the back for causing Miss Ice Queen to experience a human emotion when what do I see on the screen?

........... THE ONION !

"What happened to you reading my blog?" I ask her.

"Oh. Well, I just don't GET it."

"I guess someone like you wouldn't get it." I say. (Followed by confused look on her face)

*Ninja Kick*

In which I give some awards

2010-08-09T12:06:00.001-04:00

I was recently given THIS bad boy by Brittainy at Litany of Brittainy. Btw, if you haven't been there, what in the name of all this is holy are you WAITING for?! The girl has talent. Go see. She's rad.

That's right folks.

THE CHUPACABRA AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE

I'm gonna give you a second to just soak that in.

Done soaking?

I know. Impressive, right?!

I believe I was given this award because, well, I'm excellent. At WHAT has yet to be determined but whatever. Details.

The rules of passing this award on are also awesome because there are no rules.

I get to do whatever I want. I'm gonna be real honest here. I like to be the boss so this award is working for me on many different levels.

So, here is what I'm gonna do.

I am going to give this award to a some bloggers that I think are excellent.

Then next week I'm gonna do it again.

Then again. And again. Because I LURVE this award, and because there are are a lot of excellent bloggers out there.

I would like to say that I will do this every Monday or whatever but, I'm not that organized.

Today, the Chupacabra Award for Excellence goes to:

Liz at It Be Liz for excellence in Tour-guiding and drop dead funny snarkiness.

Glen at Glen's Life for excellence in dreaming up jaw-dropping ways to deal with his obnoxious trainer at the gym.

Barbara at JoBart for excellence in posting incredibly adorable pictures that make me smile. A lot.

Karen at Nerdy Computer Girl in the New Decade for excellence in living life instead of doing the dishes. AND for giving me comments that make me feel like a total rock star.

And last but certainly not least, to Badger atVienna For Dummies for excellence in spot on commentary on every topic.Seriously. He's good. Also for excellence in agreeing to adopt me.

For those of you that have received this award, do with it what you will. Pass it on, get it silk screened onto a t-shirt, make up some rules or don't. It's up to you. That is the beauty of the Chupacabra.

More to follow next week~~ish~~

Oh, and welcome to my new follower! I was worried that I would return after my little absence to find everyone gone to greener blogging pastures but instead, I find that I have actually GAINED a reader. YEEHAW!!

Life is good.

iHappy, a bit late.

2010-07-27T10:08:00.003-04:00

It's ~~Monday~~ Tuesday (and alas, the linky is closed, but that's ok. I'm still happy.) again (uh, just where did the weekend go?) and even though I am sad that it's not a lazy Sunday afternoon, I am glad to post these pictures of things that make me happy. Thank you Brenda for this wonderful meme.

And NOW I'm also using this post to for FYBF hosted by Lori at RRSAHM because, well, because the play that my son is in this summer is TAKING OVER MY LIFE (help) and I haven't had 3 free minutes to myself to blog. But thats ok, right? Who wants to read a rushed 3 minute blog post right?

Some things that make me happy...

This picture makes me happy for a couple of reasons. First, because I was at an orchard and I came home with fresh raspberries and black cherries. YAY! Second, I am terrible at taking pictures and couldn't manage to get the sign and my entire face into the photo even though the screen was showing me exactly how the completed picture would look.

Short attention span I guess. I like that about myself.

The upside being that I didn't get my chubby squirrel cheeks in this one, like ...

This is me and my favorite author, Lesley Kagen. Oh and a special guest appearance by my squirrel cheeks. Dang. That hair do is not face flattering.

This pic still makes me happy though, because I have just talked to (for the second time) one of my favorite authors. I know, right?!

I like this picture because it's dirty. This was painted in a local businesses window for a recent fair that was going on. 15,000 children probably walked past this. They probably thought, " Oh, how cute! Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck how very wholesome!" (yeah right)

However, it's the parents (well, the ones with their minds in the gutter ~~like me~~) that had the last laugh.

What in the WORLD is going on with Bugs' crotch area? He is obviously facing the crowd because he is holding that "salad" sign, so, why is his 'tail' on the front of his body, making it look suspiciously like...like...well, use your imagination. I did. It was not pretty.

And this is me blogging.

Blogging makes me happy.

You'd really think I'd do it more often.

I think I can...I think I can...I can't

2010-07-22T22:10:00.002-04:00

There is this...thing that happens to me whenever I witness anyone with talent do, well, anything with talent.
I have always been this way.
When I see someone do something particularly awesome, I get an overinflated sense that I can do _____ (fill in the blank)too.

For example(s).

In 4th grade, my school took a trip to the roller rink. I saw some 8th graders in the middle of the rink just a-twirling, twirling, twirling. I was mesmerized by these girls. The height of their bangs. The disco like reflection off their enormous glasses and Manic Monday being played over the speakers. It was magical.
They had four more years of rollerskating experience than I did. They made it look easy.
I grabbed my friend Tracy and skated toward the center of the rink amidst oohs and ahhs of my 4th grade classmates. I was gonna twirl. And I was gonna do it well.
Needless to say, I did NOT twirl well, and would certainly have landed myself in a full body cast had the eighth graders not seen to it that Tracy and I were quickly removed from the center of the rink. 4th grade dorks were not allowed into the center. Unspoken rule or some such nonsense.

Cut to present time.
I watch the Young Americans perform.......... I think I can sing and ~~do an intense cardio workout~~ dance at the same time for 3 straight hours. (Nope.)

I watch American Idol..........I believe I can sing anything from Whitney Houston's Catalog with Whitney Houston accuracy and style. (Nope-ity nope.)

I Watch the winter Olympics.......... and I think I can snowboard. Or do that broom sweepy thingie that I still haven't figured out the point of. (What the?)

I watch Ken Jennings on Jeopardy.......... and I think I can answer any question correctly even though I have never actually been able to do so. Ever. Unless it's celebrity Jeopardy where they clearly dumb down the questions. (Whatever-so can my 6 yr old.)

Do you see what I'm talking about? Yeah. It sucks because honestly, for like 30 minutes after I see a cool thing being done by someone who has CLEARLY got a different skill set than me, my brain allows me to believe that not only can I do these things...but I can do them better. Ugh.

Then comes the inevitable minute 31 where I have been hopelessly attempting whatever it is I happen to be infatuated with only to realize I have failed. And not just fail, fail. I mean, I go above and beyond at failing. The only real talent I have is consistency of lack of talent. It's heart breaking until I find the next thing I become SURE that I will be good at. Ghost Hunting? Tax Preparation? Yodeling? Silk screening pictures of ferrets onto t-shirts?

And one of these times, I just may surprise myself.* *But I hope that I don't find out I'm good at Yodeling. Where's the money in that?

Tonight's heartache? I went to my local bookstore and listened to one of my FAVORITE authors (Lesley Kagen- read her!) speaking about her newest book. She is witty and smart, has great life stories, is friendly, charming and a hell of a good writer. And guess what? She made it all sound.So.Easy.
Like any homosapien-ish being with access to a computer or, god forbid, paper and a pencil can write a fabulous book just as she has done on 3 occasions.

For the last half hour of her discussion, I wasn't even listening (what a shame). I was deciding who would watch my child tonight when I went home and wrote the next big thing in publishing.

Title: The Eye of the Beholder. (I told you. No good.)

Well, here I am at minute 42ish and I have come back down to earth. I will not write The Eye of the Beholder (you're welcome), but 15 minutes ago that seemed like the only obvious path for my life.

I am so weird. Oh well, I know I make being weird look easy. Go ahead. Just try to be as weird as me. I'll give you 31 minutes.

BTW, Lori at Random Ramblings of a SAHM is now hosting FYBF. Go there for the rules, ok?

In which I ask a favor.

2010-07-20T09:39:00.001-04:00

So, a friend of mine (yeah, I met her over the Internet. What of it?? (Remember when people didn't admit that?)) Brittainy of Litany of Brittainy has a very funny post about mommy-hood that was a top ten finalist in the "Not Mom of the Year" contest hosted by Life Without Pink and Mommyologist and now its all about getting the votes. (she is currently in the lead. Let's keep her there, Ok?)

I am here today to ~~demand~~ ask you politely to take a minute and vote for Brittainy because I would really like her to win. *eyelash batting*

Her posts are honest and fall-out-of-your-chair-hysterical. I think if she wins this award, her confidence will soar and she will hit it big and write a bestselling book, which she will dedicate to me with some sort of inside joke about blogging, and hire me to travel the globe with her as her personal assistant/drinking buddy. she will have the blogging "atta-girl" needed to keep churning out the posts that make me laugh like a crazy woman. And I really enjoy laughing like a crazy woman. Yes I do.

So, click on her button there on my sidebar and pay her a visit. You will not be disappointed. Pinkie Promise.
Then, as you begin to think about how awesome I am for pointing you in her direction, go HERE and vote for her. You can vote once a day until the 26th of July.
It's a win/win/win.

Real life and Online Life Collide

2010-07-19T11:07:00.001-04:00

So, you know how you are just going along in life...la di da - driving your kid to (and staying for the full two hours of) Wizard of Oz play practices,

searching for ~~something that fits and isn't horrifying~~ the perfect dress for a wedding,

making sure your child makes it to a local festival so he can ride the rides because GOD FORBID he doesn't get to ride the gravitron at least 67 times this summer,

cleaning your house, grocery shopping,

figuring out a diplomatic way to divide time between your husbands family who came from across the country

and your family who also came across the country without anyone ~~realizing~~ feeling like you've spent LESS time with them,

all the while desperately needing a nap

because your body is screaming "A-NE-ME-IA!, A-NE-ME-IA!" and you realize that you haven't tweeted, or facebooked or blogged for almost TWO WEEKS and you kind of feel bad, but you really just miss all your bloggy friends and you decide that you need to write the world's longest run on sentence to make up for it??

You do?

Yeah. That's how I'm feeling too.

That's why we're friends.
You understand me.

I like that about you.

Mmmhmm. Yep. I'm talking to you. I like what you've done with your bangs, by the way. Very chic.

I've been busy in real life which is good because it gave me lots of stuff to blog about. But oh, the humanity! I have soooooo much catching up to do now here in the blogoverse.

Where to begin? THAT is the question of the day.

Ideas?

Society and I have a chat

2010-07-07T09:58:00.001-04:00

As if I needed to give myself some other reason to feel sick, I’ve spent the last week or so looking for a dress to wear to an outdoor wedding this summer.

There is no experience that will set a chubby girl more firmly in her place than dress shopping (except maybe bathing suit shopping- but I’m no masochist so I just avoid that altogether.)

It’s as if society as a whole is hell bent against letting us chubby gals feel a teeny tiny bit of confidence.

Me: (thinking) Hmm, the wedding is in two weeks…its outdoors. A cute sundress would be perfect. I think I’m going to go buy one.

Society: “Hey fatty- you think you’re going to find a cute dress that will cover all your bodily imperfections? Well think again sister! That dress only comes in a size 2! (Evil laughter ensues)

Me: Geez Society, take it easy. I’m not asking for the moon. I would just like a dress that I’ll look cute in.

Society: What? I’m sorry, I was evil laughing so loudly, I didn’t hear what you said. Bah, makes no difference. You are a hefty gal. As punishment, you are sentenced to wear only clothing that is horribly ugly, uncomfortable and unflattering. It’s your own fault, you know.

Me: It’s not all my fault! And there has to be SOMEONE designing nice looking clothes for people like me…?!

Society: (choking on last sip of Evian water) Are you kidding? Did you need that 3rd slice of pizza? Is it necessary to eat Nutella directly from the jar off the biggest spoon you can find? You drink Coca Cola like you SHOULD be drinking water. ‘Nuff said. YOUR FAULT! Clearly, having no self control, you are not worthy of cute clothing. Oh, and just ‘cuz I’m SOCIETY and I can, you’re gonna pay MORE for those ugly clothes than those skinny girls have to pay for theirs. Tra-la-la.

This is where I get some well needed exercise and I unceremoniously kick society in the groin.*

Ok. Ok. Stop yelling at me through your computer. I realize that if I just lost weight (duh) I could stop complaining but that’s not the point. .

The point is that it’s just. So. Annoying.

‘Chubby gal’clothes always have some combination of one or more of the following:

Large Bow(s)

Horizontal stripes

Black as the main color (hello, slimming!)

Shiny crap (Yeah, just what I want, reflective extras on my spare tire. Good look.)

Ridiculous floral patterns

Sometimes, you will even stumble across a piece of clothing that contains all 5 of those traits. You should never look directly at it. If you do you will burst into flames. You’ve been warned.

Ok, fine. This is the end of the rant but just to prove my point that society is trying to tell me something consider these:

Exhibit A: CATHERINES' PLUS SIZE CLOTHING. My name is Katherine. This is the image that popped up when I asked for plus size clothing logo's. = Katie, you're fat.

Clever use of a 'C' but I'm on to them.

Didn't like that one? A bit of a stretch perhaps?

Exhibit B:

Lane Bryant PLUS SIZE CLOTHES.

Lane Bryant?

Lb.

The short way to write "pound" ?

Sneaky. Subliminal.

Well played Lane Bryant.

Ugh. I need a c~~cheesecake~~ salad.

*I didn't really kick society in the groin. I poked it in the eyes.

Thank you google images.

My 'Strikethroughiest' Post This Week.

2010-07-03T18:34:00.003-04:00

Today I will be guest posting for the lovely Rhonda at Wherever you go...there you are.

If you ever wanted to know about my marital history (and let's be honest, who doesn't? har har) you can read about it there. It's mostly about divorce, which sounds like a bad thing but...well... go read it, m'kay?

...

I thought that I had outsmarted and avoided that ~~total a-hole anemia~~ Anemia that would render me mostly useless.

I did not.

I have been ~~on a forced vacation~~ sleeping pretty much round the clock for the last 4 or 5 days.

This being sick is totally for the birds. It's driving me absolutely crazy. I've taken some time off work so that I can relax, seeing as how just walking from the bedroom to the bathroom in the morning leaves me winded and my heart pounding. FORGET about showering and going into work.
I almost passed out in front of a customer the other day, which would have been bad healthwise alone- but was worse for me pridewise, and I do not embarrass easily.

Any who, the boss told me to stay home for a few days and "get better", but I feel like maybe having sales associates fainting in front of customers is off-putting. When I'm at Wally World buying my boxed wine and Hot Pockets, I certainly don't want RainRochelle (actual Walmart associate name) passing out in the middle of my transaction. Awkward! And I'm NOT just talking about her name.

Ugh. So. I'm not ignoring you, sweet blogosphere. During my coherent, non sleeping moments, I am reading blog posts that I have missed and commenting as my phone/data plan will allow (ie. not much). (ps.Screw you, AT&T.)

If you have ~~landed here by mistake~~ come by and left me a comment on a recent post, and I have not gotten back to you, please bear with me. Your comments are not going unnoticed. Believe me. I'm just crap at keeping up with all of it right now.

I have been trying to tweet regularly because it doesn't take a lot of energy. So, if you're having Katie withdrawal ~~and want to hear random tweeting about Robert Pattinson's body hair or about my sink full of dishes,~~ you can find me there.I know. Salty stuff. My little Twitter follow doovie is on the sidebar there to the left. I promise to be funny. Sometimes.

In conclusion (actually, I think use of that phrase may be against the law in the blogosphere. My bad..ooh. There's another one. Crap.) Regular programming will continue soon. SOON. Pinkie swear.

Until then, go read Alex at WHOA-MUMMA she pointed out a few posts ago that I was playing the 'period card' for comments but I wasn't. That just happened to be a bonus. I swear. ~~She's on to me. Hey, whatever works, right?~~

Alrighty then. I'm going to stop now before I get myself nominated for whatever the bloggy equivalent of a Razzie award is. ~~Too Late~~.

iHappy. iAm. (mostly because iFinally figured this out.)

2010-06-27T10:00:00.012-04:00

Brenda at Mummy Time has started a photo meme that I really like. It's called... (drumroll)...

iHappy.

what you do is capture photos (on your iPhone-see the tie in? Or, yes on your ~~Hemroid~~ Android if that's what you got instead of an iPhone or whatever picture taking device you happen to be using.) of things that make uHappy.
Easy. Smile inducing. Two things ~~I've been called~~ I love!

I have ATTEMPTED to do this every week since she started iHappy, to no avail.
I thought that (obviously) there was something wrong with either: my phone OR my work computer.
Turns out, Screw loose in the operator. Shoulda' known.
Moving on.
This is also a linky-mabobber so you'll have to Click on Brenda's name up there to get ALL the deets. Ok?

Sooo. Here are some things that make me happy.

The beach. Thankfully, Michigan has an abundance of beaches readily available. This happens to be an overcast day, but even an overcast day at the beach is better than a sunny day in the snow to me.

Stairways. Painted doors. Bricks. Especially when I can find them all together. This door is green, by the way. Had I not used a retro app to take this picture, you would be able to see how cool it is.

Flowers. And stones. Again, especially when I can find them together.

Flowers. I really just love flowers.

Broken woodland creature garden statuary. Yep. This makes me happy.

Small, yet intricate details. This hinge is in a door in the building where I work. The building is old so we are constantly finding details like these. Don't even get me started on the original tin ceiling. TO DIE FOR.

I spend lots of time examining this hinge and looking for other little details like this.

There are, of course many, many, more things that make me happy.

Next week my dears.

Next week.

From the TMI files.

2010-06-24T13:19:00.009-04:00

First, It's FYBF. You know what THAT means. I know you do. No need to act all coy.
Link up. Go to Mummy Time and leave Brenda a comment about how much you love her. Read her easy peasy guidelines.
That simple. You have been flogged.
...

So, something weird happened, and from that, a blog post. (Kind of how blogs work, right? I know.)

My last post was a re-post of a rant I had in February. I re-posted it because I was in a bad mood and it really seemed to fit. It was a bit dated, but the tone was what was intended.

What happened that was weird was that it received no comments (crickets. NOOOOOOOO!). None. Well, none this time around.

I figure three things might cause this.
1. You had commented the first time it was published.
2. You are sick to death of my lack of quality posts and are showing it through 'comment silence'. Well played. Well played.
3. You've been abducted by aliens. In which case, you should've read this post. Ah, hindsight.

Lots of you did comment the first time.Thank you.
For those of you who didn't comment because you are currently in an alien spaceship or on an alien planet, after being abducted- I totally understand. (If the aliens are even letting you read this.)

I think however, that the real culprit here is my recent lack of quality posting.

I have a reason. I swear. A couple actually.

But... before I tell you the reasons, I would like to warn any of my male readers that we are going to delve into some women issues shortly. I wont get all detail heavy and gross you out or anything on purpose. I will be giving details as needed, though. If you're like my hubby and at the mere mention of women's topics, you get all queasy and green, this is your warning. Grab a garbage can and keep reading or stop here. Whatever works.

Ok. I assume I still have my lady readers and those of my men readers who have strong 'women issue' constitutions.

Reason for sub par posts number one. No home computer. I have told you about this ad nauseam. Still true. I must do all my blogging before and after my shifts at work. I do most of my blog reading from my phone. Neither method is very convenient. I have worked the budget a bit though, so...a new laptop is in my future. (Then we may have the opposite problem. TOO much blogging. We'll cross that bridge if when it happens.)

Reason numbers 2 & 3
I have been dealing with some health issues.

One being PCOS which is - Polycystic Ovary Syndrome which you can read more about here. Should you choose to do so.
PCOS causes a bunch of not very nice things in women of reproductive age, some being-but not limited to:

Infrequent or irregular periods
Prolonged or excessive periods
Excessive hair growth
and the worst, in my opinion, Lack of ovulation. Which is heart breaking.
Oh, and can cause weight gain, and make it harder to LOSE the weight it caused you to gain. (Someone doesn't play fair. Hmm?)

Which is a real bitch.

PCOS, if I ever meet you in a dark alley, you wont make it out alive.

The other being Endometrial Hyperplasia go here to read about it.
This is basically the overgrowth of the lining of the womb, beyond the normal 5 millimeters in thickness (taken from the website), and the subsequent and excessive shedding there of. Think- normal period times about a thousand. Scary. Embarrassing. Messy. Extremely inconvenient.
This usually occurs in women entering menopause but, every once in a while it strikes the unsuspecting 30 year old already dealing with more feminine issues than you can shake a stick at. Read: Me.

It was so bad a couple of years ago that I had to have a blood transfusion because I was so anemic I was almost dead. In pictures from that time, I look like a member of the Cullen family. Only paler.

Being anemic causes you to be very tired. All. The. Time.

Right before the transfusion, I couldn't even dress myself. I slept all day and only got out of bed to go to work. At work, EVERYTHING made my heart race. Even when I just pulled up a chair and sat at the register. I once tried carrying a UPS delivery into the store and all I could manage to do was vomit. It was horrible.

So, I went to my local walk in clinic and got a blood test then went to work.
A few hours later I received a call from a nurse at the clinic telling me that she had just gotten my test results and was calling me an ambulance and that they were going to take me to the emergency room. She was, in fact, surprised I was even able to answer the phone, being on death's doorstep and all. I remember her saying something that a usual blood count was 17. Mine was at 4. I still have no idea what that means medically, but I know for a fact now, that it's not good. (Duh.)

So, blood transfusion. Check. New nickname acquired (the Vampire). Check. Anemia repaired. Check.
Life goes on.

Until last month, when it all started again.With a new addition this time = mood swings of epic proportions. Groan.

As yet, I have avoided another transfusion, but the doctor and I have become besties. In fact, we exchanged tokens of our new found friendship at my last appointment. I gave him my wallet and a promise of most of my future earnings, and he gave me a speculum. It was rad.

But...I am still tired. All day. Every day. I have no energy. I find the simplest tasks of everyday life to be a HUGE chore, let alone blog about it.

I am attempting to get this all straightened out.
Until then, I promise to do my best, post-wise.

I guess the moral of this story is that if you don't want me to have to open up the TMI files again, you better make sure to comment. A lot. *bats eyelashes*
That may just be my HORMONES talking.
Even so. Comment, ok? My very health *cough cough cough* depends on it.

~~Guilt trip. CHECK.~~

All images courtesy of google images.

Danger. Bad mood.

2010-06-22T10:45:00.001-04:00

Image from google

This was originally posted on 2/25/10. But it fits today. If you've read it before, I apologize. If not, beware. Big rant to follow.

I try to love every moment of every day as much a humanly possible.

Not today.

I hate today.

I am in a terrible mood.

Not one big thing is to blame.

I blame lots of little things.

Here they are:

When people are shocked that a wild animal in captivity acts like a wild animal. And they say things like-

Oh, Why would that Orca kill that trainer? They had such a good working relationship.

Are.You.Kidding.Me?

Yes. I feel badly for this trainer who was killed at Sea World. I do. My heart goes out to her family. But I can not stand when people start giving animals the personalities of humans.

When people think they can change my mind about things I feel strongly about.

Listen up. I don't care how many

ANTI-

Barack Obama

Liberal

Feminist

Gay rights

Human rights

Emails that you send me. Send me a million a day for the next ten years. You will not make me change my mind to believe the backwoods, closeminded, hypocritical, racist things that you do. Not ever. So instead of searching the internet for "Proof" that I am clearly wrong in my convictions, why don't you take your self-righteous ass to a soup kitchen and feed some hungry people? Better use of your time.

Also

If I hold a door open for you and you walk through it, you had BETTER say Thank you or at least acknowledge me in some way. A SCREW YOU is better than nothing. I learned to say thank you for nice gestures when I was a toddler. I still remember.

Manners.

And last, but certainly not least-

If you are in a public place (let's just say McDonald's) and you feel that it is URGENT to clip your nails (let's just say in the booth right next to me) And you actually do so, be prepared to get a dirty look from me.

If you do not stop clipping after seeing said dirty look, please do not be shocked and taken aback when I ask politely if you could finish clipping in the bathroom lest one of your shooting pieces of nail shrapnel land on my table.

You do NOT have the right to get pissed off and indignant that I would request such a thing.

You do NOT have the right to mumble under your breath:

This is a free country. I can clip wherever I want to bitch.

You DO have the pleasure of getting AXE KICKED the next time I see you.

I have memorized your face and I have enrolled in Martial arts classes.

Clip your nails in public! Not if I can help it.

I could go on and on about the little things. And I will. In part two. However, I have decided to finish this and go to bed. I think that would be safest choice for the public at large.

(and I did, you can read Rant Part 2, here. )

Father's Day

2010-06-20T09:21:00.004-04:00

Dear Hub,

Thank you. I couldn't do this parenting gig by myself.

Thank you for giving our son your good eyesight and the ability to long division. Thank you for taking him fishing and out for ice cream. Thank you for helping to shape him into the wonderful little boy that he is, and the man he will eventually become.

Happy Father's Day.

Dear Stepdad,

Thank you for loving me even when I was at my most unlovable (ages 13-19). I treated you badly and said some horrible things to and about you. I didn't know then what I know now. That you will love my mom and I unconditionally all these years and work tirelessly for the family without one complaint. Ever. Thank you for volunteering your spare time (what there is between jobs) to the fire department. You do it because you just like it, but you are a true hero.

Happy Fathers Day.

Dear Grandpa,

You are the man I check all other men against.

I am in awe of how you did it. Raising 10 kids is a an accomplishment I can't even begin to wrap my head around.

The fact that you are very clearly in love with Grandma these 60 years later is better than any love story that Hollywood could ever dream up.

Thank you Grandpa, for making us a family.

Happy Father's Day.

I love you all more than these simple words could ever express.

Dear Real Dad,

Hopefully someday we can talk. I have so many questions.

Nip & Tuck - bloggy style

2010-06-16T10:31:00.002-04:00

As you can see, the blog has undergone a bit of an overhaul.
New Header, new background, new BUTTON! ================================>
Since the day this blog was born, I have changed and changed...and changed the look of things. A kind of virtual furniture rearranging, if you will. This one should last a while. I hope. Or, until my A.D.D. kicks in and the theme is suddenly mimes on cruise ships or something crazy.

Google Images

One thing that remains the same? The writing. You know, Not so well grammar, missppellinggs, misuse of punctuation,.! and typoz galore. (See what I did there? Sounded funny in my head. Not so much in print. My apologies.)
To be fair, it's not as though I make mistakes intentionally. I'm just in a hurry. And I can type faster then my brain can process what I'm thinking. I think.

Case in point: I recently used the word 'heals' when I actually meant 'heels'. I didn't catch that mistake until I was published and had gotten comments and all. Embarassing- and I ended up feeling like one. But you know what I meant, right? (Just smile and nod.)

Moving along. I hope you enjoy the changes. I hope you grab my ~~butt~~ button. Which by the way, I have been pronouncing moi buh-toh, which sounds hoity-toity and very French in my head and drives the people in my house cra-zy!

Me: Huzbeend, 'ave you seeeen my blahhg? Go to see moi new buh-toh. It eez very fraahnch and nahce.

Husband: Please stop.

(More apologies to the French. Gerard Depardieu was my inspiration. I just watched Last Holiday, and consequently also think I am a chef.)

- fin -

Practice what you...title your blog...?!?

2010-06-11T18:43:00.002-04:00

I've been under the weather. As such, my blogging senses have not been finely tuned as of late.
Normally, my brain processes every minute of every day for blog topic possibility.
For the past week, my brain has not done that. What has happened instead is that my brain tells me that every minute of every day is completely boring and void of anything even remotely worth blogging about.

For Example:

Situation ==>Very elderly woman with purple lipstick completely covering her general mouth area, but none actually on her lips.

Normal Katie reaction to that situation - HOT DIGGITY DOG! Where's my camera?
Under the Weather Katie reaction - What's for dinner?

Situation ===> Lunch with a friend at a casino buffet. (Which by the way, I believe is the single best place to go for some AMAZING people watching.)
Possible blogworthy item: Seeing a lady dump a plate full of food into a (hopefully) lined purse.
NK reaction - Mashed potatoes into a purse! Yahtzee! Where's my camera?
UWK reaction - What's for dinner?

As you can see, this state of mind wastes perfectly good blogging opportunites ( Um, No Missed opportunities, Kate! Geesh. Practice what you title your blog. Or something like that.), but it does make me realize that ~~when I am under the weather~~ I think alot about dinner.
That said, as much as I would like to blog about that wayward lipstick attempt, or about that incredibly disgusting way to steal food, the wind for those topics has left my sails.
I apologize for any bucket list I may be ruining by not writing about the previous topics. However, if reading about those topics are on your bucket list in the first place, you may want to reevaluate your existence.

Anyway, I am on the road to feeling better so you can be sure that those hard hitting stories will be back soon.
Now, I'm off to find a large purse to line to take on my next topic inspiring trip to the casino buffet, and to figure out what's for dinner.

International Date Line, you are a worthy adversary.

2010-06-10T19:39:00.004-04:00

So, it's Thursday, but you know, Friday- in the land of OZ so you know what that means.
Flog Yo Blog Friday!

I have missed the last couple of FYBF's because...well honestly, because I am easily confused.
And because I do not own my own computer.
I know. No computer. No T.V. My life is like 1955, except I don't call my husband dear and I don't vacuum in heals.
But I'm on a tight budget, and the really important stuff comes first.
Car.
Bills.
Fishing boat (kidding, hubby. Kidding.)
My 27 cosmetic procedures.
Whatever.
You know what I mean.
Someday.

Anywhoozies, feel free to join the blog hop.

And I totally pinkie promise to have a new and exciting blog post up in the next couple of days.
You kids have all been so patient with my lack of blogging lately, but you know, feel free to bang on my doors and tell me that you CAN'T possibly LIVE ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT READING THE PEARLS of wisdom that can be found here. ~~Really. I'm waiting. Anybody? Anybody? Bueller...Bueller?~~

Thank you Brenda for being our lovely hostess.
Click on number 1 first for all the FYBF guidelines.

5 Things that will be on the test.

2010-06-02T12:05:00.001-04:00

I've been tagged by Teacher Mommy at Diapers and Dragons to do the 5ive Things meme.
Never one to shy away from making a list, I have decided to just go ahead and do it.
Plus Teacher Mommy is from Michigan and I am ALL ABOUT doing anything a fellow Michigander asks me to... within reason.

This Meme requires me to answer 5 questions and then tag 5 fellow bloggers.
That, I can handle.

So here we go...

1. Where were you 5 years ago?

Physically, I was in Petoskey Michigan.

Emotionally, I was in a dark place. A place you get to by being deprived of sleep. I was moody, cranky, and not a whole lot of fun to be around. I had a one year old and it was just him and I in a small apartment. Alone together. All. Day.

Yes, Petoskey is one of the most beautiful places in Northern Michigan, so how could I be sad, right? Well folks, like I said, I was stuck in my teeny tiny apartment which did NOT have this view. If only.

2.Where would you like to be 5 years from now?

I would like to be in a warmer, southern state. I don't really care where. I. HATE.SNOW.

Hate.

However, I would be happy just being here on earth, and alive. The whole 2012 (the latest prediction about the end of the world) thing might put a kink into that plan though. Hopefully not.

3. What are 5 things on your To Do list for today?

1. Complete 5 Things Meme

2. Work

3.Laundry

4. Chocolate covered potato chips. Buy AND eat.

5. Grocery Shopping.

I know. I live a a pretty charmed life. Seeooowwww glamorous.

Also, please note that just because the chocolate covered potato chips are number 4 on the list, they are number 1 in my heart.

4. What are 5 snacks you enjoy

1. Chocolate covered potato chips, obviously.

2. Frozen Twinkies

3. Pretzel M&M's

4. Crunchers Potato chips

5. Cantaloupe. And no, I didn't just add that because the rest of my list is complete rubbish. ~~Yes I did.~~

5. What are 5 things you would do if you were a billionaire?

1. Build my own personal rollerskating rink. (Priorities, people!) It will be rad, and you are all invited.

2. Pay off my debt

3. Build a new public library. The "Katie" wing would be awesome.

4. College funds for my son and nieces & nephews

5. Trust fund for my son

Look into cryogenics to have myself frozen and brought back to life in 3127 is just assumed here, right?

Well, there you go. Insights into my very soul.

I now tag

the lovely masterminds behind the following blogs:

Rattling of the brain... another Michigan girl.

Nerdy Computer Girl in the new Decade because she leaves me THE sweetest comments.

Politics because he's my brother- and knows things about politics that I have to google.

Random Ramblings of a Stay at Home Mum because I am a bit addicted to reading her blog. Seriously, she is probably creeped out by me if she has stat counter. I'm sure I show up there a lot.

Tmena Blogger/Photographer-because she is an AMAZING photographer. Her pictures are so gorgeous it's insane.

Aww heck... you're all tagged. Just do it if you want to, ok?

*all photos lovingly borrowed from google images.

You sit there and listen young lady, M'kay?

2010-05-31T15:59:00.002-04:00

As much as I would like to keep my last post up forever (I'm totally proud, and all), I have decided that today I would take part in a meme that I found over at Confessions of a Jaded Gym Junkie by the Jaded Vixen herself.

Meme: Letter to my younger self :

(I have taken liberties, of course. I would like to tell young Katie some specific things.

I work better in the form of lists anyway.)

Your two best friends are going to move. Far away. New York and Wisconsin to be exact. You will grow apart eventually because of the distance but don't worry, when you do get to see each other it's just like old times. And the word 'stiffy" is timeless. Kara will still use it.

Your highschool boyfriend is going to break up with you your first year in college. Your heart will be broken. When it happens, dont embarass yourself. Don't start smoking and stop eating. This will not bring him back and will only create more issues for you to deal with. Be sad about it, but know that you are about to become the hot ticket in your dorm. Your social calendar is gonna fill up fast!

Be nicer to your suite mate in the dorm. Yes, she annoys you because of the fact that she refuses to wear pants in the common areas but just ignore it. This will be a great story to be able to ~~hold over her head~~ tell when you're 30.

I suggest that you do not take that ill advised trip with friends to Sault Ste. Marie Canada. If you must, try-TRY to remember that the border guards will NOT think the four of you are funny.

The correct answer to the inquiry of what you were doing in Canada is,

"We came for the weekend to do some shopping and sightseeing"

and NOT

"Hookers. We were looking for hookers... and black market cat livers"

And no, you will not die in a Canadian jail like you thought you would. Close call though.

Don't do yourself a disservice by pretending to like HORRIBLE bands just because your significant other does. Rob Zombie? Insane Clown Posse?

uh, no.

You don't have to marry the first person who asks you. You will, but you don't have to.

If you are having dinner at someone's house and you ask what they've made, but they won't tell you until you try it... It's probably squirrel or some other horrifying food that you would never eat in a million years.

Also, stop eating at this house. Ew.

In the summer of 2007, give your Aunt Ann a nice long hug and tell her that you love her. Tell her that her love of bingo and the very colorful strings of curse words that she puts together are just some of the things you truly love about her.

It will be the last time you ever see her.

Embrace your weirdness.

Your son is everything you ever wished you could have and more.

Don't take your husband forgranted. He is one of the best things that will ever happen to you.

But he fishes a lot.

Protect your good credit rating.

I may need to do this one again, I just thought of like, five billion other things teen-me needs to know.

Next time.

Now I get to be the guest. ON MUMMY TIME no less. I know, right?

2010-05-25T18:02:00.001-04:00

This is the week of guest appearances.

Yesterday, Liz from It Be Liz stopped by and was my first ever guest blogger.
I love her. If you have not read that post yet, you should. You can find it HERE. Read it. Give her some love. Ok? Ok.

and TODAY..
well, today is special because today is my very first time being a guest blogger.
Guess where? Oh, you already know because I told you in the title?
Well, for those of you who were to excited to read this post and skipped it, my guest post is on (drumroll)
MUMMY TIME! Can you believe it? I can't and I see that it's there.
The bloggy Gods have blessed me with this opportunity...that I...couldn't....miss (yeah, that was a miserable blog title tie in.) Please don't change your mind because of that ill advised tie-in just then.
Pretty please?

Go to MUMMY TIME and give it a read, will you please? I would seriously love you forever.

FO-EH-VAH.

If you are on the fence, the word vejazzling is in it. As is the phrase boobie tissue.
So go. Go now. Even if just to see those words in print (pervsters).

Oh, and be gentle.
Like I said.
It's my first time.

(BIG OL' MUSHY- MWUAHS TO BRENDA. Thank you! I love you.)